Well first off I would like to say that I am sorry for offending or hurting anyone in my last post, I was just stating how I felt about a situation that happened to ME, and I felt in a way I got played and it hurt. I always remember my mom teaching me there are three sides to every story yours, mine and the truth. Since being in the hospital I have been plagued by a lot of what ifs? What if I hadn't opened up to that individual/ what if i hadn't snapped that day? What if I never wrote that last post? But that is all done now, and you live and you learn and I have defnitely learned a lot. But thankfully through this situation I have been able to sift through and determine the people who are important to me and I them.
I have a blessing in disguise. Two days ago my father became very ill and was rushed to the Emergency room in Miami. I got a call from my grandmother around 10:00pm that she didnt really know what was going on but that they were going to have to do emergency surgery. So my mother and I quickly packed a bag and got in the car on our way. When I got there they were just about to take him back into surgery and he was kind of out of it, but he woke up enough to see me, and needless to say he was shocked. Words can't describe how much love I felt for him at that moment, not to mention fear; especially since I asked the surgent what is going on, and his response was "I dont know." My mind started racing, me like most people am afraid of hospitals and doctors, and needless to say his words where not comforting. That waiting room was the most exhausting feeling, I attempted to to study a quiz the following morning with no sucess. After trying to take little naps, and drink hot chocalte and pacing up and down the halls the doctor finally entered the room to tell us he was in recovery. My grandmother and I rushed to the recovery room to see him, and although he was still out of it a little, he looked shocked all over again to see me, but his tuime with a glimpse of excitement. He keep holding my hand, I just became so overwhelmed that the water works started. The worst part is now over, but no one knows how scared I was, evenafter the doctor came in the waiting room and said its done and everything is going to be okay. After he left recovery and went him to his ward/room he still looked shock to see me there, and we got to talk for a little bit. When we were getting ready to leave the hospital he looked up at me reached his arm out for a hug and said "I love you," it took everything in me not to start again. While I would have like to have met on better circumstances I really think this is a stepping stone to a better relationship, and i have spoken to him everyday since the surgery.
The same day all this happened I had my first counseling session, and it went very well, it was more me talking and letting her know about me,but we are now going to meet every tuesday. Also I found my older sister on facebook, that may not sound like a big deal but I have not seen or spoken to her in years and I must say I missed her and my nephew.... so now we have exchanged numbers and we are going to try and communicate more...
Now there is not where to go but UP!
I've been Baker Acted!
Well I know it’s been a super long time since I posted anything, but life has been a huge jumbled mess the past couple of months and it finally erupted over the past couple weeks. Well in the past I have given everybody very brief descriptions about what has happened in life, mostly revolving around my father. But some very disturbing things have happened in my past and over the past couple weeks that I really need to get off my chest and writing and painting are my two main releases. For the past couple of years besides the problem with my dad I have also had some problems with my mom but more importantly I have problems with myself. I guess I will tell you the main thing and then things will all fall into place I guess. When I was 16 I attempted to take my life, I wasn’t so much unhappy with myself but unhappy with my circumstance and I felt as though they couldn’t be changed, and that the only way out was to stop breathing permanently. Only one person knew of my attempt and that was the person who saved me, so I started going to therapy but I didn’t stay in it long enough to make any true break threw. Well I had never told anyone about this event until recently, when I felt myself coming to that breaking point. This time the feeling was a little different, I had no intention nor did I want to hurt myself, but I wanted to be gone. I did not want anything physical to happen to me, especially not by my own hand but I wanted to disappear off this earth. I told someone that I thought was a really good friend. Well I guess words got slung around and some where in there they were taken out of context and she thought I had attempted to harm myself recently; and her response more than shocked me. The individual decided to abruptly delete me from facebook, unfollow me on twitter and delete me from her BBM, with out uttering a word to me. Eventually I realized and confronted her in disbelief and her response was…
“u need help and I cant help you. I can’t have it on my heart and mind that u want to commit suicide. I have a lot going on in my life. U need someone to help u sort that out…Therefore until u get ur life straightened out I can no longer continue my friendship w u…Hope u seek the help you need”
A little hurt and upset I attempted to explain to her that it was a long time ago, and after that she became even more enraged and told me…
“When u get ur life together u can hit me back. I don’t have time to play games. U played me by sayin all that to get my attention or to get attention period. Its time to grow up already, suicide is NOTHING TO PLAY WITH! Take some time to find yourself.”
Now first I would like to make it known that really could careless if she paid attention to me or not, most of time it didn’t feel like she cared about me anyway. I still ask myself why I chose her to open up to in the first place, maybe because she messaged me first asking if I was okay? But wait the story gets better I guess in caring nature, or make herself feel better she wrote my mother a letter saying that I was attempting to kill myself, well as a result my mother took me to the hospital where I was admitted for three days at St. Mary’s Hospital for Mental Health. That was most definitely an unforgettable experience. Everybody kept asking me if I was mad at the individual and for a while I wasn’t, I felt that by writing my mother for the first time it showed she actually cared about me, but then I thought and was like she deserted me basically when I needed her the most and no matter how hard I try to see it her way, I think that is the worst thing you can do to someone who was in my situation. To me if I was really on edge, her turning her back on me would have pushed me over it. And now she still will not communicate with me for nothing in the world, I am positive she doesn’t even know I was admitted. Since that conversation with her that Friday after noon my life and my emotions have kind of been a big downward spiral. But I took her advice while I was locked up under the Baker Act “take some time to find yourself” and I am working on that, to not only find myself to live my life for myself...
I am not going to lie some positive did come out of the experience even though I was kind of upset with my mother for Baker Acting me , even after I told her the individual was full of it, but I know that she was worried about me and truly just wanted me to be okay. While in the hospital I was told that I am bi-polar and that I suffer from depression, which I already knew but who doesn’t. But the bi polar thing kind of sense, I have extreme uncontrollable anger and the smallest thing can cause me to snap and then 15 minutes later after I scream, break some stuff , and curse a couple people out I am my happy go lucky self again. A lot of people do not know that because I would like to think I hide it well, but the truth is most people don’t care enough to pay attention. Even the individual who I have known for years said to me “ohhh boy I have never seen yiu like this….angry” I get so angry all the time and that is usually why I snap at people constantly, and I am always on the defense. I have this scenario in my mind that continues to play, that makes me feel that every time someone says something to me or questions my thoughts or actions I feel like I am being attacked so I attack back just like in middle school. The before mentioned “friend” once told me “you have a voice use it,” well I feel the only time it actually is heard is when I am yelling. The good news for the most part I know what my problems are, the only thing now is solving them, I thought about going back to counseling, but while it will be nice to have someone to talk to who actually listens, but I don’t know if it would actually help.
I wrote that a couple days ago but never posted it, well I finally got a hold of the letter the individual wrote to my mother. To be hones it just confused me even more, because although some of the stuff she wrote I personally feel is not true, the letter made it seem like she cared… I have one question that I want to ask her, which would confirm wether she is lying and whether or not she cares. If I hadn’t have noticed that you deleted me, where you going to say anything? She talks as though eventually one day we will be friends again, but I do not know how true that is, because I don’t think she wants to, and dependent on the answer she gives me to that question I don’t know if I can because can I truly trust her again. Not to mention the fact she posted parts of our conversation on twitter, and sent out a BBM blast, but she says it was accident and sent out a bbm blast apology, but still never said a word to me. Now about my experience in the hospital or more of the aftermath, to be honest I have felt like since I got out I feel like a crazy person. Like I actually have problems, and I know I am not tweaking crazy but somtimes I just feel even more emotionally unstable now than I did before I went in. My boyfriend says it is probably because being there and talking so much about suicide only made me relive the previous attempt that I never truly dealt with. Also I feel like since it happened maybe just because I am more aware, I feel like I hear about suicide everywhere non-stop. That alone is driving me crazy. It gets to the point were I go through such a rollercoaster of emotions that I get sad then I get so angry, beyond angry that I just cry, because I feel like I cant do anything else.
“u need help and I cant help you. I can’t have it on my heart and mind that u want to commit suicide. I have a lot going on in my life. U need someone to help u sort that out…Therefore until u get ur life straightened out I can no longer continue my friendship w u…Hope u seek the help you need”
A little hurt and upset I attempted to explain to her that it was a long time ago, and after that she became even more enraged and told me…
“When u get ur life together u can hit me back. I don’t have time to play games. U played me by sayin all that to get my attention or to get attention period. Its time to grow up already, suicide is NOTHING TO PLAY WITH! Take some time to find yourself.”
Now first I would like to make it known that really could careless if she paid attention to me or not, most of time it didn’t feel like she cared about me anyway. I still ask myself why I chose her to open up to in the first place, maybe because she messaged me first asking if I was okay? But wait the story gets better I guess in caring nature, or make herself feel better she wrote my mother a letter saying that I was attempting to kill myself, well as a result my mother took me to the hospital where I was admitted for three days at St. Mary’s Hospital for Mental Health. That was most definitely an unforgettable experience. Everybody kept asking me if I was mad at the individual and for a while I wasn’t, I felt that by writing my mother for the first time it showed she actually cared about me, but then I thought and was like she deserted me basically when I needed her the most and no matter how hard I try to see it her way, I think that is the worst thing you can do to someone who was in my situation. To me if I was really on edge, her turning her back on me would have pushed me over it. And now she still will not communicate with me for nothing in the world, I am positive she doesn’t even know I was admitted. Since that conversation with her that Friday after noon my life and my emotions have kind of been a big downward spiral. But I took her advice while I was locked up under the Baker Act “take some time to find yourself” and I am working on that, to not only find myself to live my life for myself...
I am not going to lie some positive did come out of the experience even though I was kind of upset with my mother for Baker Acting me , even after I told her the individual was full of it, but I know that she was worried about me and truly just wanted me to be okay. While in the hospital I was told that I am bi-polar and that I suffer from depression, which I already knew but who doesn’t. But the bi polar thing kind of sense, I have extreme uncontrollable anger and the smallest thing can cause me to snap and then 15 minutes later after I scream, break some stuff , and curse a couple people out I am my happy go lucky self again. A lot of people do not know that because I would like to think I hide it well, but the truth is most people don’t care enough to pay attention. Even the individual who I have known for years said to me “ohhh boy I have never seen yiu like this….angry” I get so angry all the time and that is usually why I snap at people constantly, and I am always on the defense. I have this scenario in my mind that continues to play, that makes me feel that every time someone says something to me or questions my thoughts or actions I feel like I am being attacked so I attack back just like in middle school. The before mentioned “friend” once told me “you have a voice use it,” well I feel the only time it actually is heard is when I am yelling. The good news for the most part I know what my problems are, the only thing now is solving them, I thought about going back to counseling, but while it will be nice to have someone to talk to who actually listens, but I don’t know if it would actually help.
I wrote that a couple days ago but never posted it, well I finally got a hold of the letter the individual wrote to my mother. To be hones it just confused me even more, because although some of the stuff she wrote I personally feel is not true, the letter made it seem like she cared… I have one question that I want to ask her, which would confirm wether she is lying and whether or not she cares. If I hadn’t have noticed that you deleted me, where you going to say anything? She talks as though eventually one day we will be friends again, but I do not know how true that is, because I don’t think she wants to, and dependent on the answer she gives me to that question I don’t know if I can because can I truly trust her again. Not to mention the fact she posted parts of our conversation on twitter, and sent out a BBM blast, but she says it was accident and sent out a bbm blast apology, but still never said a word to me. Now about my experience in the hospital or more of the aftermath, to be honest I have felt like since I got out I feel like a crazy person. Like I actually have problems, and I know I am not tweaking crazy but somtimes I just feel even more emotionally unstable now than I did before I went in. My boyfriend says it is probably because being there and talking so much about suicide only made me relive the previous attempt that I never truly dealt with. Also I feel like since it happened maybe just because I am more aware, I feel like I hear about suicide everywhere non-stop. That alone is driving me crazy. It gets to the point were I go through such a rollercoaster of emotions that I get sad then I get so angry, beyond angry that I just cry, because I feel like I cant do anything else.
Dreaming....
The other night I an extremely vivid dream, I really thought it was reality... and a huge part of me wishes it was reality!
I was at my fathers house, and I had spent the night there, and the dream began in the morning and I still can not recall who was with me, but the made me a hott drink(something my dad has every morning before he does anything). I rememeber thinking or maybe I said to the person I can't recall I am very suprised I am at my dad, and we are being civil and he hasnt asked to talk to me about Unstable Cradle. At that moment in the dream my father came around the corner with a cup of tea in hand, and smiled at me and whispered in my ear we should have lunch today, so we can talk. And I replied of course with a smile on my face, but in the dream I felt nervous as hell!!!! Then I woke up!!!
Now my mother has always said that dreams don't run straight, and sort of the opposite happens, but for the most part a significant amount of my dreams have become reality. I am hoping, praying, and wishing ona star that this one comes true!
Blood of Lyrics II
I have been told I've got some thick a** blood flowing through my veins
Thick like the head of the ignorant b**** I had to teach after she told me...
"locks are disgusting niggers get them after not washing their hair for a long time."
See that lesson played over and over in mind
I mean as foolish as she sounded I'm suprised she even knew to call them locks
That day like some others my blood got so thick it began to form clotts
I became so angry my stomach turned into a million knots
Getting so upset, I went to a place inside I had never been before
A place with blood cold like ice, kind of like the emotions i feel towards life
I have been told the blood in my veins runs deep
Deep like the hatred I feel for my father after he called me a WHORE!!!!
Taking me back to that place, only this time it wass all to familar to me
With needles sticking trying to break that ice, i knew i been there before, I had walked this floor
I have been told that the blood in my veins pumps strong
Strong like the strength it took to go perform every night
Pulling green from places my veins should never have to see nor feel
Strength to live another day forgetting about yesterday
Attempting to forget those blood stained walls
Some other people tell me that running through my veins is some thin blood
Thin like the water in the tears I cry
The tears that ran over the bruises and then into the cuts
Cuts I recieved because I was told I was a slut
Moving on no longer cuts but progressing into sores
Some say the blood in my vein is shallow
Shallow like the wanna be pre-madonnas
I was forced to associate with in order to prove my intellegence
Them triffling heffers who were the true sluts, but pretended to come accross eligant
Others tell me the blood in my veins pumps very weak
Weak and slow like my heartbeat after multiple close but UNSUCCESSFUL suicide attempts
Now I try to overdose, flowing lyrics throw my veins
This struggle for the feeling of exstacy is driving me insane
Keeps bringing back to these familar places
Blood from my sores over flowing in the room
Attempting to donate to save a life.
But turned away, I can't give life when mine is already taken
Nobody wants whats tainted
You heard my story, would you?????
I know you don't, and if you think you take this lyrical blood then you must be mistaken
I do not know if you guys remember this poem is is actually the very first post on my blog, which seems like so long ago. I remember when I first wrote this I had a couple people who were meant to be close to me read it, but I did not intially tell them I wrote it... and the response was insane.. they all said who ever wrote this is disturbed and has serious anger issues... and the only person who read it and assummed rite away I wrote it was Mike and my mother. But yet its like more and more I relive that poem, and fel that way everyday, and nobody get's it! I am angry all the time, and I end up snapping on people, and I guess I put on a good front, because a friend of mine told me she is never seen me down, or not bubbly! But the truth is I am not bubbly or happy... I mean I have happy moments that are surrounded by my sadness.
The other day I was talking to Mike about this, and he was asking me why and I really could not come up with a reason for why I am so messed up...and I started to cry, so naturually he asked why I was crying and I couldn't answer that either, it's like I am so unhappy/angry all the time that I get so angry that I become sad, and I just cry.... and I guess thats meant to make me feel better and it does for the moment until I start to think again. I never use to be like this I dont know what happened to me?!?!?! I am really hoping I will snap out of it, but some how I really dont think so, and I try to talk to people about and they really think its a joke, and nobody gets it! A lot of stuff has happened in the past, things that nobody knows about, and I dont know if that is the source of my anger. But I know that keeping all the secrets aren't helping me at all!!!
I've been holding my breath and
Im running out of air
Have you ever looked fear and the face and said I dont care?
Its not fair
I am reaching the piont of no return
I would never pull the triger but i have cried wolf a million times
I would never wish this feeling
I have lost my mind
And im bleeding out inside
You turned me out, and I cant turn back
I sometimes wish I could stop the flow of oxygen
And along with it stop all pain, fear, and hurt
The combination is sufficating
And Im running out of air
TOO LATE????
it is never too late!!! I got this clip from @absentdad , the man i have written about in previous posts, who fears that this is what will happen between him and his daughter, and it is not for lack of trying.In my opinion it is never too late to mend a relationship, especially one between father and child. Although that the longer the gap the harder that is going to be! Sometimes people do not even realize that there isnt a real bond or relationship there, you can see someone everyday and have a quick discussion but that does not mean have a real relationship and that in it self can be defined as absentee! And as the little comic strip shows materialistic things do not help at all.... I just think if you truely care then no matter what you are going to attmpt to have some sort of relationship, nobody said it would be easy that you will become the best of friends, but why not try!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!!!
Well we all know since my father found out about "Unstable Cradle" our relationship like this cake have been up in the air. Well I did wish him a "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!" via text, which I recieved no response to,but of course I did not expect one! I even debated buying him a card...but enlight of what he said about his Christmas card I thought best I didn't. In my eyes it's like I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't!!! Of course my Mom went on and on about how I should I buy one, but I thought about it and consulted with others..and thought it might not be in my best interest....especially since at this point I would have no idea what to write inside. And the writer in me wont let me send a card that just says Happy Birthday in it... I know that my father still reads this blog, but I dont know! If he does read, dad I just wanted to tell you
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Fighting!!
Well I have been meaning to write the post for weeks now! But first off I want to say I hope you all are helping and praying for Haiti! Haiti is one of the poorest countries in the Western Hemisphere and has unfortunately suffered another tragedy to their country as a result of this earthquake. And if we remember in the past when Haiti has exprecienced past tragedies they just do not have the resources, and things needed to be flown into them! The country is now going through devastaion with the multiple lives lost, multiple injured, and the rubble they are left with(that will need to be built back up). Every little bit counts! I pray that everyone is doing what ever they can to help this country that is less fortunate than ours!Well on my last post I told you why Unstable Cradle had been down for a couple days, so in the post I told you why! Well somebody anonymously wrote "F*** Off!" Like I posted previously I am not stopping!! Do I recognize I have hurt individuals in the process? YES! Am I sorry? YES, but that does not mean that I am just going to help healing myself through my writing..and helping all the people that also read this website!
I spoke with an individual recently that said to me "it becomes a time in your life when you just got to let it go, otherwise you are only hurting yourself." While that is true, this website helps me let it go... I had been holding in for a very long time before i created Unstable Cradle; and I am not going to lie it was driving me crazy, although I ATTEMPTED to not allow others to see that I was! Actually despite some of the negative feedback I have been recieving I actually want to Unstable Cradle BIGGER and BETTER!!! but I cannot do it alone...aI need the help of all of you..with your continueous support!!!
Going Down!!!
"Though you cannot go back and make brand new start, my friend anyone can start from now, and make a brand new end!!!"
"You have to make a choice in everything you do, remember that, that choice makes you!"
I am sure you all are aware that "Unstable Cradle" has been down for a little while now...well that is because my father found out about it! I am not going to get into great detail, but lets just say he was not best pleased! A lot of people are not pleased with what I have done, and I do apologize, but on the other hand people have been telling me I need to do what is best for me and worry about me for a change....so I finally did that! Words can never explain how much the website and talking with all of you has helped me! Now granted I maybe should have not posted so much information about what my father has done and who he is: but those are all things I have seen and that he has done to me...it was helpful for me to get it out of my system and for you all to understand what I was going through to understand the purpose of "Unstable Cradle." Well due to what was going on, I took down the site, and was thinking of terminating it permantely, but recieved a lot of support from you all to put it back up(love you guys!!!), so instead I deleted those post...and I am continue with the website. It is helping you and it is helping me!!!
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"You have to make a choice in everything you do, remember that, that choice makes you!"
I am sure you all are aware that "Unstable Cradle" has been down for a little while now...well that is because my father found out about it! I am not going to get into great detail, but lets just say he was not best pleased! A lot of people are not pleased with what I have done, and I do apologize, but on the other hand people have been telling me I need to do what is best for me and worry about me for a change....so I finally did that! Words can never explain how much the website and talking with all of you has helped me! Now granted I maybe should have not posted so much information about what my father has done and who he is: but those are all things I have seen and that he has done to me...it was helpful for me to get it out of my system and for you all to understand what I was going through to understand the purpose of "Unstable Cradle." Well due to what was going on, I took down the site, and was thinking of terminating it permantely, but recieved a lot of support from you all to put it back up(love you guys!!!), so instead I deleted those post...and I am continue with the website. It is helping you and it is helping me!!!
Help change the epidemic Subscribe & Share
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