Dreaming....

The other night I an extremely vivid dream, I really thought it was reality... and a huge part of me wishes it was reality!

I was at my fathers house, and I had spent the night there, and the dream began in the morning and I still can not recall who was with me, but the made me a hott drink(something my dad has every morning before he does anything). I rememeber thinking or maybe I said to the person I can't recall I am very suprised I am at my dad, and we are being civil and he hasnt asked to talk to me about Unstable Cradle. At that moment in the dream my father came around the corner with a cup of tea in hand, and smiled at me and whispered in my ear we should have lunch today, so we can talk. And I replied of course with a smile on my face, but in the dream I felt nervous as hell!!!! Then I woke up!!!

Now my mother has always said that dreams don't run straight, and sort of the opposite happens, but for the most part a significant amount of my dreams have become reality. I am hoping, praying, and wishing ona star that this one comes true!

Blood of Lyrics II

I have been told I've got some thick a** blood flowing through my veins

Thick like the head of the ignorant b**** I had to teach after she told me...

"locks are disgusting niggers get them after not washing their hair for a long time."

See that lesson played over and over in mind

I mean as foolish as she sounded I'm suprised she even knew to call them locks

That day like some others my blood got so thick it began to form clotts

I became so angry my stomach turned into a million knots

Getting so upset, I went to a place inside I had never been before

A place with blood cold like ice, kind of like the emotions i feel towards life

I have been told the blood in my veins runs deep

Deep like the hatred I feel for my father after he called me a WHORE!!!!

Taking me back to that place, only this time it wass all to familar to me

With needles sticking trying to break that ice, i knew i been there before, I had walked this floor

I have been told that the blood in my veins pumps strong

Strong like the strength it took to go perform every night

Pulling green from places my veins should never have to see nor feel

Strength to live another day forgetting about yesterday

Attempting to forget those blood stained walls

Some other people tell me that running through my veins is some thin blood

Thin like the water in the tears I cry

The tears that ran over the bruises and then into the cuts

Cuts I recieved because I was told I was a slut

Moving on no longer cuts but progressing into sores

Some say the blood in my vein is shallow

Shallow like the wanna be pre-madonnas

I was forced to associate with in order to prove my intellegence

Them triffling heffers who were the true sluts, but pretended to come accross eligant

Others tell me the blood in my veins pumps very weak

Weak and slow like my heartbeat after multiple close but UNSUCCESSFUL suicide attempts

Now I try to overdose, flowing lyrics throw my veins

This struggle for the feeling of exstacy is driving me insane

Keeps bringing back to these familar places

Blood from my sores over flowing in the room

Attempting to donate to save a life.

But turned away, I can't give life when mine is already taken

Nobody wants whats tainted

You heard my story, would you?????

I know you don't, and if you think you take this lyrical blood then you must be mistaken

 

 

 

 

I do not know if you guys remember this poem is is actually the very first post on my blog, which seems like so long ago. I remember when I first wrote this I had a couple people who were meant to be close to me read it, but I did not intially tell them I wrote it... and the response was insane.. they all said who ever wrote this is disturbed and has serious anger issues... and the only person who read it and assummed rite away I wrote it was Mike and my mother. But yet its like more and more I relive that poem, and fel that way everyday, and nobody get's it! I am angry all the time, and I end up snapping on people, and I guess I put on a good front, because a friend of mine told me she is never seen me down, or not bubbly! But the truth is I am not bubbly or happy... I mean I have happy moments that are surrounded by my sadness.

 

The other day I was talking to Mike about this, and he was asking me why and I really could not come up with a reason for why I am so messed up...and I started to cry, so naturually he asked why I was crying and I couldn't answer that either, it's like I am so unhappy/angry all the time that I get so angry that I become sad, and I just cry.... and I guess thats meant to make me feel better and it does for the moment until I start to think again. I never use to be like this I dont know what happened to me?!?!?! I am really hoping I will snap out of it, but some how I really dont think so, and I try to talk to people about and they really think its a joke, and nobody gets it! A lot of stuff has happened in the past, things that nobody knows about, and I dont know if that is the source of my anger. But I know that keeping all the secrets aren't helping me at all!!!

  

 

I've been holding my breath and

Im running out of air

Have you ever looked fear and the face and said I dont care?

Its not fair

I am reaching the piont of no return

I would never pull the triger but i have cried wolf a million times

I would never wish this feeling

I have lost my mind

And im bleeding out inside

You turned me out, and I cant turn back

I sometimes wish I could stop the flow of oxygen

And along with it stop all pain, fear, and hurt

The combination is sufficating

And Im running out of air

TOO LATE????

it is never too late!!! I got this clip from @absentdad , the man i have written about in previous posts, who fears that this is what will happen between him and his daughter, and it is not for lack of trying.In my opinion it is never too late to mend a relationship, especially one between father and child. Although that the longer the gap the harder that is going to be! Sometimes people do not even realize that there isnt a real bond or relationship there, you can see someone everyday and have a quick discussion but that does not mean have a real relationship and that in it self can be defined as absentee! And as the little comic strip shows materialistic things do not help at all.... I just think if you truely care then no matter what you are going to attmpt to have some sort of relationship, nobody said it would be easy that you will become the best of friends, but why not try!