Engagement to Move On

As many of you may have heard "I'm Engaged!" Of course friends and family are asking me all kinds of exciting questions such as my theme, color, venue, dresses, favors and dont even get me started about the engagment party. After everyone;s intial shock and excitment high started to wear off they started to hit me with the deep questions such as, who is going to give me away, and walk me down the isle?

The loyalty and tradition in me without hesitation gives the honor to my dad, however my heart tells me he doesnt deserve it. It took me almost a week and a half after my Babeos popped the question, before I could even get a hold of him to let him know. Despite my countless attempts! 

After I finally told him, there was not joy at all, he actually yelled at me told me  we were stupid and no clue what we were doing... says the man who has never been married!

The definition of insanity is to repeat the same act countless times but expecting different results, I guess when it comes to my father I am completely insane!  There are only so many times I can let him back in expecting different results.

Since that conversation I have not spoken to him, this was the first year ever that I have not called him for Father's Day, but I have to what is best for me an my mental health. I continue to respect him, but now from a distance. I have allowed my father to impact and effect my emotions for way to long. I am only making myself a victim when I know how him stand, but expect him to change. Do not get it twisted I know God can change anyone, his mercy is like no other. But as of today my father is not falling inthat category of wanting to change.

The questions or shall I say concerns about him walking be down the isle have only thickened. Many are saying that if I do not allow him to do it not am I just erasing him, but that whole side of my family. I have been given so many ideas and "suggestions" on what to do. Some say to allow one of my uncles do it, but to me that casues more harm than good, how offended would my father really be knowing that I did not want him to give me away but instead I want one of his brothers to do it. Then I thought I would ask an uncle on my mother's side to do it who was actually my legal gaurdian for a year and has always been apart of my life, but that goes back to not having a representative from my fathers side. Now they are saying I should allow my grandmother to do it. Thank God I have a years and half to make this desicion, I do not think it is meant to be this hard! Who knows I have got almost two years, maybe my dad will become a different person by them and will earn the title of my father aand the honor to walk me down the isle. Until then I have made an enegagement to move on!

Sister Love

I have the tendency to be stuck in my own feelings sometimes, and I begin to dwell on certain aspects of my life. Lately my sisters have been very heavy on my mind. When I was little I use to beg my mom for a sibling; I longed for that "normal" sibling rivalry and love. She always told me I was more than enough, and she’s never having anymore! I have been blessed to make some great friends over the years that are practically sisters to me, but it is never the same. When I was 7 two years after my parents had officially separated I was in Jersey at a funeral with my father, a day that I will never forget. My father was driving on the way to the burial site. I was in the back seat on the left hand side, while another girl who I later found out was 2 years older than me was sitting to the right of me. We are following the long line of cars when my father looks through the rearview mirror, and say “Pussneck(my nick name) , this is Shante.” I smiled and waved “hi,” as he continued to say “she is YOUR older sister.” At first I had no grasp on what he had said, in my naive mind, she couldn’t be my sister, we didn’t live together, she is older how come I have never met her, grandad always said I was the first grandchild… so my mind landed on denial. He continued to reassure me that she was in fact my sister and that I should talk to her…

I could only imagine what was going through her mind, I wonder if she already knew who I was? How she felt? Was she in denial too?

The rest was a bit of a blur, it’s funny how I forget what I eat for lunch, but that day rings through so vivid in my mind still. I never really spoke to or saw her again until my freshman year of high school. Everyone use to say we looked so much alike, her freshman class picture and mine were identical! There was no denying my site alone that we were related. I still have hers ironically in a "bestfriend" picture frame on my dressing table; I guess I hope one day all four  of us will be bestfirends. Oh she wasn’t the only one, of course by this time I accepted she was my sister and had a better understanding of how; after finding out I have two other sisters Brea and Tiffany they are younger than me though. So needless to say I did not have that “typical” sister relationship or experience. Luckily I was able to see my little sisters more often, with their countless trips to South Florida and our trips we went on together! At one point they were coming up every summer, so I formed somewhat of a sisterly bound during the summer time, but I always had an older sister that I had no contact with and no one seemed to know how to contact her.

Then the wonderful world of technology and social media intervened. I had been searching for her on social media multiple times, but come up empty every time. After years of no luck; I had begun to accept that I may never get to know her, or find her. Then one day I saw her mom comment on another relatives post. I instantly requested her and asked “where and how is Shante?” Which at the time I think I was spelling incorrectly.  The issue was I was looking for her under my last name, because Tiffany, Brea, and myself have our father’s last name so I assumed Shante would too, but I stand corrected. So of course I found her and requested her;when I ofund her she accepted it was almost like finding out I had a sister for the first time again. This all took place a little over a year ago, and while this was taking place our dad was extremely ill, so as soon as she accepted I asked for her number so I could let her know what was going on. I will admit it was nerve racking and awkward to ask her for her number, it was like talking to a complete stranger, who I just found after 7 years and asking her for her personal information. CREEPY!lol!

The initial conversation was even more awkward, I remember I was on the Metro-Rail on my way home from visiting our dad at the hospital and whispered to myself it’s now or never! I called and was a little shocked that she answered, because I know I don’t answer foreign numbers, if your not saved in my contacts, good luck! As crazy as it was to talk to her on the phone, and inspite of the fact I was delivering bad news to someone who idealy was a stranger; saying OUR father is in ICU! I was relieved and happy to hear her voice and alk to her!

While we are now Facebook friends I still have not seen her in over 7 years, and we do not communicate as much as I would like,., I think since that phone call I havent spoken to her on the phone. Most people don’t even know I am not an only child. We have made attempts at trying to get know each other but I don’t think it will ever be the same until one of us makes that trip!

Hopefully as we all get older we will begin talk more often, recently there has been some more frequent communication on Facebook, but Tiffany doesn’t have one so I have not been able to contact her in a while either. While I know we may never be one big perfect happy family, I pray that we have some form of a "sisterly" relationship!

I LOVE YOU SISTERS!!!

Emotional Crutch

"Single parents make great parents too."

While doing research for Unstable Cradle, I found this statement and it made me think of the stereotype or crutch used not only by parents but children who are products of a single parent home. While I am not a parent, I do not know all the struggles, but I did grow up in a single parent home, and for a while I used the absence of my father as an excuse for decisions I made in life. But that is just it I made those decisions!  Yes rowing up with out a father or a mother is extremely difficult, I am not saying not to feel, however do NOT allow those feelings to cripple you. There are so many statics out there that prove growing up without a father can impact lives, from increased dropout rates to being fifteen times more likey to end up in jail. It is known for children who are missing a parent in life to act out, but at the end of the day those are their desicions or mistakes to make. You can not blame your circumstances on the fault of somebody elses lack of responsibility. If you use that sterotypical excuse for you actions a are avading responsibiliy yourself.

People do not realize it takes a village to raise a child, children are sponges and learn from their surrounding. Think about it, who are your child's role model, outside of mommy or daddy? -That is a whole nother post!

I had a student once who would act out beyond belief, he even went so far as to punch another instructor. When we had a confrence with his  parent, the  mother's excuse was she was a single parent! I grew up in a single parent home as you all know and I was never raised to act in such a manner, and if I did my mother would have repremanded for that choice I made! Not to say I was the perfect child or even that my mother was a perect mother, however my mother was able to be the best parent he could with or without my father. Therefore the statement should not be "single parents make great parents too," instead single parents make great parents!

Never let your PAST depict your FUTURE!!!

Turn it Around

God's blessings are endless, and He has a way of restoring faith and hope in the world. I am sure a lot of you watched the show The Voice last night especially since it was on directly after the Superbowl. If you watched it you saw and heard part of the story of JESSE CAMPBELL: a devoted father and as you can tell a spectacular singer. During the quick glimpse we saw of his life, his wife walked out on their family, and Campbell with nowhere to turn with his daughter became homeless, and then eventually moved in with Campbell's brother where he then got on his feet. The brief story of his life renewed faith and compassion within me, so I wanted to know more. So very often the posts I have written on here are about a fahter walking out on the family, or abandoning his responsibilties not just as a dad but a true father, but even when most would have felt defeated Campbell kept the faith.

Campbell's story resembles Mandate although signed to Capital Records and having two hits, he did not let obstacles in the industry alongside the abrupt changes in his life discourage him, and now on The Voice he is here to do it all again for his daughter.  Campbell stands out to me becasue he truly puts his daughter first, I checked his twitter the morning after the show aired and his tweet declared how busy his night had been with the influx of twitter mentions, and facebook request not to mention phone calls, but he wrote his daughter comes first and he would respond to all of that when she was in school.

His story shows us that you never know what tomorrow can bring, and what God truly has in store for you. Success is not always about finances, and it not the most important thing in life.

Look out for Jesse Campbell on The Voice.
Follow him @singjessesing
Check out his website for information and his blog. http://www.jessecampbell.com/