Live And You Learn

Well first off I would like to say that I am sorry for offending or hurting anyone in my last post, I was just stating how I felt about a situation that happened to ME, and I felt in a way I got played and it hurt. I always remember my mom teaching me there are three sides to every story yours, mine and the truth. Since being in the hospital I have been plagued by a lot of what ifs? What if I hadn't opened up to that individual/ what if i hadn't snapped that day? What if I never wrote that last post? But that is all done now, and you live and you learn and I have defnitely learned a lot. But thankfully through this situation I have been able to sift through and determine the people who are important to me and I them.

I have a blessing in disguise. Two days ago my father became very ill and was rushed to the Emergency room in Miami. I got a call from my grandmother around 10:00pm that she didnt really know what was going on but that they were going to have to do emergency surgery. So my mother and I quickly packed a bag and got in the car on our way. When I got there they were just about to take him back into surgery and he was kind of out of it, but he woke up enough to see me, and needless to say he was shocked. Words can't describe how much love I felt for him at that moment, not to mention fear; especially since I asked the surgent what is going on, and his response was "I dont know."  My mind started racing, me like most people am afraid of hospitals and doctors, and needless to say his words where not comforting. That waiting room was the most exhausting feeling, I attempted to to study a quiz the following morning with no sucess. After trying to take little naps, and drink hot chocalte and pacing up and down the halls the doctor finally entered the room to tell us he was in recovery. My grandmother and I rushed to the recovery room to see him, and although he was still out of it a little, he looked shocked all over again to see me, but his tuime with a glimpse of excitement. He keep holding my hand, I just became so overwhelmed that the water works started. The worst part is now over, but no one knows how scared I was, evenafter the doctor came in the waiting room and said its done and everything is going to be okay. After he left recovery and went him to his ward/room he still looked shock to see me there, and we got to talk for a little bit. When we were getting ready to leave the hospital he looked up at me reached his arm out for a hug and said "I love you," it took everything in me not to start again. While I would have like to have met on better circumstances I really think this is a stepping stone to a better relationship, and i have spoken to him everyday since the surgery.

The same day all this happened I had my first counseling session, and it went very well, it was more me talking and letting her know about me,but we are now going to meet every tuesday. Also I found my older sister on facebook, that may not sound like a big deal but I have not seen or spoken to her in years and I must say I missed her and my nephew.... so now we have exchanged numbers and we are going to try and communicate more...
Now there is not where to go but UP!

I've been Baker Acted!

Well I know it’s been a super long time since I posted anything, but life has been a huge jumbled mess the past couple of months and it finally erupted over the past couple weeks. Well in the past I have given everybody very brief descriptions about what has happened in life, mostly revolving around my father. But some very disturbing things have happened in my past and over the past couple weeks that I really need to get off my chest and writing and painting are my two main releases. For the past couple of years besides the problem with my dad I have also had some problems with my mom but more importantly I have problems with myself. I guess I will tell you the main thing and then things will all fall into place I guess. When I was 16 I attempted to take my life, I wasn’t so much unhappy with myself but unhappy with my circumstance and I felt as though they couldn’t be changed, and that the only way out was to stop breathing permanently. Only one person knew of my attempt and that was the person who saved me, so I started going to therapy but I didn’t stay in it long enough to make any true break threw. Well I had never told anyone about this event until recently, when I felt myself coming to that breaking point. This time the feeling was a little different, I had no intention nor did I want to hurt myself, but I wanted to be gone. I did not want anything physical to happen to me, especially not by my own hand but I wanted to disappear off this earth. I told someone that I thought was a really good friend. Well I guess words got slung around and some where in there they were taken out of context and she thought I had attempted to harm myself recently; and her response more than shocked me. The individual decided to abruptly delete me from facebook, unfollow me on twitter and delete me from her BBM, with out uttering a word to me. Eventually I realized and confronted her in disbelief and her response was…

“u need help and I cant help you. I can’t have it on my heart and mind that u want to commit suicide. I have a lot going on in my life. U need someone to help u sort that out…Therefore until u get ur life straightened out I can no longer continue my friendship w u…Hope u seek the help you need”

A little hurt and upset I attempted to explain to her that it was a long time ago, and after that she became even more enraged and told me…

“When u get ur life together u can hit me back. I don’t have time to play games. U played me by sayin all that to get my attention or to get attention period. Its time to grow up already, suicide is NOTHING TO PLAY WITH! Take some time to find yourself.”

Now first I would like to make it known that really could careless if she paid attention to me or not, most of time it didn’t feel like she cared about me anyway. I still ask myself why I chose her to open up to in the first place, maybe because she messaged me first asking if I was okay? But wait the story gets better I guess in caring nature, or make herself feel better she wrote my mother a letter saying that I was attempting to kill myself, well as a result my mother took me to the hospital where I was admitted for three days at St. Mary’s Hospital for Mental Health. That was most definitely an unforgettable experience. Everybody kept asking me if I was mad at the individual and for a while I wasn’t, I felt that by writing my mother for the first time it showed she actually cared about me, but then I thought and was like she deserted me basically when I needed her the most and no matter how hard I try to see it her way, I think that is the worst thing you can do to someone who was in my situation. To me if I was really on edge, her turning her back on me would have pushed me over it. And now she still will not communicate with me for nothing in the world, I am positive she doesn’t even know I was admitted. Since that conversation with her that Friday after noon my life and my emotions have kind of been a big downward spiral. But I took her advice while I was locked up under the Baker Act “take some time to find yourself” and I am working on that, to not only find myself to live my life for myself...
I am not going to lie some positive did come out of the experience even though I was kind of upset with my mother for Baker Acting me , even after I told her the individual was full of it, but I know that she was worried about me and truly just wanted me to be okay. While in the hospital I was told that I am bi-polar and that I suffer from depression, which I already knew but who doesn’t. But the bi polar thing kind of sense, I have extreme uncontrollable anger and the smallest thing can cause me to snap and then 15 minutes later after I scream, break some stuff , and curse a couple people out I am my happy go lucky self again. A lot of people do not know that because I would like to think I hide it well, but the truth is most people don’t care enough to pay attention. Even the individual who I have known for years said to me “ohhh boy I have never seen yiu like this….angry” I get so angry all the time and that is usually why I snap at people constantly, and I am always on the defense. I have this scenario in my mind that continues to play, that makes me feel that every time someone says something to me or questions my thoughts or actions I feel like I am being attacked so I attack back just like in middle school. The before mentioned “friend” once told me “you have a voice use it,” well I feel the only time it actually is heard is when I am yelling. The good news for the most part I know what my problems are, the only thing now is solving them, I thought about going back to counseling, but while it will be nice to have someone to talk to who actually listens, but I don’t know if it would actually help.

I wrote that a couple days ago but never posted it, well I finally got a hold of the letter the individual wrote to my mother. To be hones it just confused me even more, because although some of the stuff she wrote I personally feel is not true, the letter made it seem like she cared… I have one question that I want to ask her, which would confirm wether she is lying and whether or not she cares. If I hadn’t have noticed that you deleted me, where you going to say anything? She talks as though eventually one day we will be friends again, but I do not know how true that is, because I don’t think she wants to, and dependent on the answer she gives me to that question I don’t know if I can because can I truly trust her again. Not to mention the fact she posted parts of our conversation on twitter, and sent out a BBM blast, but she says it was accident and sent out a bbm blast apology, but still never said a word to me. Now about my experience in the hospital or more of the aftermath, to be honest I have felt like since I got out I feel like a crazy person. Like I actually have problems, and I know I am not tweaking crazy but somtimes I just feel even more emotionally unstable now than I did before I went in. My boyfriend says it is probably because being there and talking so much about suicide only made me relive the previous attempt that I never truly dealt with. Also I feel like since it happened maybe just because I am more aware, I feel like I hear about suicide everywhere non-stop. That alone is driving me crazy. It gets to the point were I go through such a rollercoaster of emotions that I get sad then I get so angry, beyond angry that I just cry, because I feel like I cant do anything else.