The Inconvenient Truth

The truth is you are misfit
uncomfortably placed in my life
forced to carry you, constantly adjusting you
attempting to dispose of you, but what does one do with something of no
market value?
see the truth is you are mistaken
convinced you know all the facts
forced to play out my life in acts
this mess of a drama is my bondage
see the reality is you are miserably confused
leaving me victim to that abuse
that common misuse of the word truth
still left with no value
see the truth is you are considerably misplaced
left in an untangled web
say i'm saying alot without saying nothing at all
but my silence speaks volumes
enough to fill dark damp steel bonded rooms
see you need some assistance
objectifying your will with no resistance
your inconvenient truth is i am living in mess cause i am misfit, mistaken,
miserably confused, and considerably misplaced.

It Isn't Meant to Be Easy

Since I made the announcement about my upcoming nuptials I have received a tremendous amount of feedback. Part of my generation is in utter shock, but couldn’t be happier for me, while the older generation is having extreme difficulties with accepecting the plans that are to come…

 I read this post a couple weeks ago from my pal Muzik and it got me to thinking about marriage and why the oldies would have such a huge issue with it. It is a common statement that our generation is nothing like theirs, especially when it comes to responsibility and commitment.

The way I see it love isn’t easy at any age, no need to judge their union based upon age. A gentlemen in an attempt to discourage me from getting married told me that everyone he knows that has made such a commitment with each other at my age has divorced within a year. Those isolated incidents can not count for our entire generation because I know people in their late 20’s to mid 30’s (the more accepting marriageable ages) who have gotten married and haven’t lasted a year; plus I now couples that are in the same age brachet as me and have lasted way beyond a year.

Over 800 years ago the marriageable age for a woman was twelve, and could be acknowledged as early as seven as long as the union was not annulled before the marriageable age; granted things have drastically changed since then. The marriageable age in most places today is 18, but under the law of most religious communities or with parental consent it is actually younger, and it is mostly "religious" people that disapprove of our union. I am not going to sugar coat things and make it seem that people just get married and live happily ever after, nothing worth anything is that easy. A large caution comes from people that group ladies by statistics, because I am african american and grew up in a single parent home, that I will automatically look for a suitor that in some shape or form will resemble my father's characteristics. While my father may not be the best man on earth he had to have some good in him for my mother to be attracted to him, but I must say my Babeos is nothing like my father. Very much the opposite in more ways than one. Obviously shown by the fact Mike actually stepped up and asked for my hand in marriage.

Like I said age is nothing but a number, young or old  marriage is going to take work recently my fiance and I went o see the film Hope Springs not to spoil the movie for anyone, it is about a married couple of retirement age who have completely lost their spark. For them like most couples should be, divorce is not an option and they have basically become roomates, sleeping in separate quarters and have mundane casual conversations. Until they decieded to start actually putting some effort into their marriage. 

Compromise plays a large role in relationships, nobody is going to do everything you want perfectly at all times, that is unrealistic, and people are not mind readers communication is up their with trust and loyalty. When your spouse ask something of you, change is never easy but you cannot do it for a day and then revert back to your uncompromising ways. Too many of us want the fairy tale love we saw on TV, but wait til you see the uncut version of that love... yeah not so Cinderella! 

I think that men that are really making that commitment to a woman and intend to keep it should be commended instead of doubted. That is one of things that is wrong with our society we are quick to put somebody's dreams down once the mention of work, responsibility or commitment are involved. Discouraging comments do not help, people are quick to tell you what they think you can't do, instead of offering reassuring what you can do with some encouragement. How about taking failure of the option list. 

I am going forward with my wedding plans, and with prayer and putting God first Babeos and I will prove some people wrong! <3 data-blogger-escaped-nbsp="nbsp">

Like Muzik said no one said it was easy but true love never fails!

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Reunited!!

About two months ago I wrote a post about my sisters, particularly my older sister and how I had not seen her since before I started high school. I was detremined to reconnect with her no matter the cost, but it seemed like my father on the other hand ruined all of those plans.

I took a trip to DC for over a month, placing me one step closer to my sister, who lives not to far a way in Jersey and the plan was for one of us to make that trip so that we could spend some long awaited time together. My father decieded to step into those plans when I first arrived and promised to bring Shante down to DC. Then two days before I was returning to Florida he wanted me to come to Jersey instead and then leave from Jersey back to Florida despite my ticket already being booked. Needless to say we did not get to see each other because of my fathers planning or lack there of.

Lucky for me my sister was planning a trip with some of her friends to South Beach, Miami. This time nothing was going to come in the way of me spending time with her, even though some things came up I made it! I am not going to lie I was a little, well a lot nervous at first, just becasue I get nervous about everything and plus the last time I saw her I was a child! We met at Wet Willies, and I defintiely needed that drink to calm my nerves, but I was delightfuly suprised we had a great time. We had a couple drinks, layed out by the pool and had our own mini photo shoot! :)

Her friends were saying how much we look and act like eachother... it was funny! Even though we live I don't know how many miles away and for years had no contact we still shared that bond. Is much as my father drives me and her crazy, my sissy is one of four things he did rite... adding blessing to my life and family. Words cannot express how happy I am we got to meet and that everything went so well. Family is one of the most important things in my life, creating a bond with my older sister is at the top of my list; and this South Beach trip was a great start. I can't wait to move up north so I can start seeing her regularly! :)

I love you sissy!!!

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Engagement to Move On

As many of you may have heard "I'm Engaged!" Of course friends and family are asking me all kinds of exciting questions such as my theme, color, venue, dresses, favors and dont even get me started about the engagment party. After everyone;s intial shock and excitment high started to wear off they started to hit me with the deep questions such as, who is going to give me away, and walk me down the isle?

The loyalty and tradition in me without hesitation gives the honor to my dad, however my heart tells me he doesnt deserve it. It took me almost a week and a half after my Babeos popped the question, before I could even get a hold of him to let him know. Despite my countless attempts! 

After I finally told him, there was not joy at all, he actually yelled at me told me  we were stupid and no clue what we were doing... says the man who has never been married!

The definition of insanity is to repeat the same act countless times but expecting different results, I guess when it comes to my father I am completely insane!  There are only so many times I can let him back in expecting different results.

Since that conversation I have not spoken to him, this was the first year ever that I have not called him for Father's Day, but I have to what is best for me an my mental health. I continue to respect him, but now from a distance. I have allowed my father to impact and effect my emotions for way to long. I am only making myself a victim when I know how him stand, but expect him to change. Do not get it twisted I know God can change anyone, his mercy is like no other. But as of today my father is not falling inthat category of wanting to change.

The questions or shall I say concerns about him walking be down the isle have only thickened. Many are saying that if I do not allow him to do it not am I just erasing him, but that whole side of my family. I have been given so many ideas and "suggestions" on what to do. Some say to allow one of my uncles do it, but to me that casues more harm than good, how offended would my father really be knowing that I did not want him to give me away but instead I want one of his brothers to do it. Then I thought I would ask an uncle on my mother's side to do it who was actually my legal gaurdian for a year and has always been apart of my life, but that goes back to not having a representative from my fathers side. Now they are saying I should allow my grandmother to do it. Thank God I have a years and half to make this desicion, I do not think it is meant to be this hard! Who knows I have got almost two years, maybe my dad will become a different person by them and will earn the title of my father aand the honor to walk me down the isle. Until then I have made an enegagement to move on!

Sister Love

I have the tendency to be stuck in my own feelings sometimes, and I begin to dwell on certain aspects of my life. Lately my sisters have been very heavy on my mind. When I was little I use to beg my mom for a sibling; I longed for that "normal" sibling rivalry and love. She always told me I was more than enough, and she’s never having anymore! I have been blessed to make some great friends over the years that are practically sisters to me, but it is never the same. When I was 7 two years after my parents had officially separated I was in Jersey at a funeral with my father, a day that I will never forget. My father was driving on the way to the burial site. I was in the back seat on the left hand side, while another girl who I later found out was 2 years older than me was sitting to the right of me. We are following the long line of cars when my father looks through the rearview mirror, and say “Pussneck(my nick name) , this is Shante.” I smiled and waved “hi,” as he continued to say “she is YOUR older sister.” At first I had no grasp on what he had said, in my naive mind, she couldn’t be my sister, we didn’t live together, she is older how come I have never met her, grandad always said I was the first grandchild… so my mind landed on denial. He continued to reassure me that she was in fact my sister and that I should talk to her…

I could only imagine what was going through her mind, I wonder if she already knew who I was? How she felt? Was she in denial too?

The rest was a bit of a blur, it’s funny how I forget what I eat for lunch, but that day rings through so vivid in my mind still. I never really spoke to or saw her again until my freshman year of high school. Everyone use to say we looked so much alike, her freshman class picture and mine were identical! There was no denying my site alone that we were related. I still have hers ironically in a "bestfriend" picture frame on my dressing table; I guess I hope one day all four  of us will be bestfirends. Oh she wasn’t the only one, of course by this time I accepted she was my sister and had a better understanding of how; after finding out I have two other sisters Brea and Tiffany they are younger than me though. So needless to say I did not have that “typical” sister relationship or experience. Luckily I was able to see my little sisters more often, with their countless trips to South Florida and our trips we went on together! At one point they were coming up every summer, so I formed somewhat of a sisterly bound during the summer time, but I always had an older sister that I had no contact with and no one seemed to know how to contact her.

Then the wonderful world of technology and social media intervened. I had been searching for her on social media multiple times, but come up empty every time. After years of no luck; I had begun to accept that I may never get to know her, or find her. Then one day I saw her mom comment on another relatives post. I instantly requested her and asked “where and how is Shante?” Which at the time I think I was spelling incorrectly.  The issue was I was looking for her under my last name, because Tiffany, Brea, and myself have our father’s last name so I assumed Shante would too, but I stand corrected. So of course I found her and requested her;when I ofund her she accepted it was almost like finding out I had a sister for the first time again. This all took place a little over a year ago, and while this was taking place our dad was extremely ill, so as soon as she accepted I asked for her number so I could let her know what was going on. I will admit it was nerve racking and awkward to ask her for her number, it was like talking to a complete stranger, who I just found after 7 years and asking her for her personal information. CREEPY!lol!

The initial conversation was even more awkward, I remember I was on the Metro-Rail on my way home from visiting our dad at the hospital and whispered to myself it’s now or never! I called and was a little shocked that she answered, because I know I don’t answer foreign numbers, if your not saved in my contacts, good luck! As crazy as it was to talk to her on the phone, and inspite of the fact I was delivering bad news to someone who idealy was a stranger; saying OUR father is in ICU! I was relieved and happy to hear her voice and alk to her!

While we are now Facebook friends I still have not seen her in over 7 years, and we do not communicate as much as I would like,., I think since that phone call I havent spoken to her on the phone. Most people don’t even know I am not an only child. We have made attempts at trying to get know each other but I don’t think it will ever be the same until one of us makes that trip!

Hopefully as we all get older we will begin talk more often, recently there has been some more frequent communication on Facebook, but Tiffany doesn’t have one so I have not been able to contact her in a while either. While I know we may never be one big perfect happy family, I pray that we have some form of a "sisterly" relationship!

I LOVE YOU SISTERS!!!

Fairytale Ending????

I am sure I could never imagine the suffering some foster kids endure, but there is always meant to be a light at the end of that tunnel.... adoption. But what happens when that adoption only leads to more suffering instead of that Annie fairytale ending. The other morning I woke up extremely early for a saturday, and decieded to watch the news for the first time in forever. There was a story dicussing the Florida Department of Children and Families and forster kids speaking out!
It is sad to say that some people adopt chldren for that check they will obtain every month ranging from $510-$570 monthly, instead looking out for the best interest of the children. It is like moving from one bad situation to the next... and as a child what do you do if you can not speak out for yourslef but expect a case worker to speak for you. This where I truely became appalled, when the director of DCF who's clip I show below basically says "it is what is" when it comes to children being abused after being adopted. While she attempted to expresss her piont in a more tactful manner it didnt really work out. While I may understand that the adoptive parents are not making this abuse blatant, but for her to basically shrug her shoulders of the situation of having more consistant check it absurd.
I was just enraged by the whole situation, while I have never been the situation I have friends and family members who have and I just taken back by her attitude to this tragic situation. I just though I would share with all of you....and see what you all think?

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"The Truth Without Photoshop"

Blood of Lyrics II

I have been told I've got some thick a** blood flowing through my veins

Thick like the head of the ignorant b**** I had to teach after she told me...

"locks are disgusting niggers get them after not washing their hair for a long time."

See that lesson played over and over in mind

I mean as foolish as she sounded I'm suprised she even knew to call them locks

That day like some others my blood got so thick it began to form clotts

I became so angry my stomach turned into a million knots

Getting so upset, I went to a place inside I had never been before

A place with blood cold like ice, kind of like the emotions i feel towards life

I have been told the blood in my veins runs deep

Deep like the hatred I feel for my father after he called me a WHORE!!!!

Taking me back to that place, only this time it wass all to familar to me

With needles sticking trying to break that ice, i knew i been there before, I had walked this floor

I have been told that the blood in my veins pumps strong

Strong like the strength it took to go perform every night

Pulling green from places my veins should never have to see nor feel

Strength to live another day forgetting about yesterday

Attempting to forget those blood stained walls

Some other people tell me that running through my veins is some thin blood

Thin like the water in the tears I cry

The tears that ran over the bruises and then into the cuts

Cuts I recieved because I was told I was a slut

Moving on no longer cuts but progressing into sores

Some say the blood in my vein is shallow

Shallow like the wanna be pre-madonnas

I was forced to associate with in order to prove my intellegence

Them triffling heffers who were the true sluts, but pretended to come accross eligant

Others tell me the blood in my veins pumps very weak

Weak and slow like my heartbeat after multiple close but UNSUCCESSFUL suicide attempts

Now I try to overdose, flowing lyrics throw my veins

This struggle for the feeling of exstacy is driving me insane

Keeps bringing back to these familar places

Blood from my sores over flowing in the room

Attempting to donate to save a life.

But turned away, I can't give life when mine is already taken

Nobody wants whats tainted

You heard my story, would you?????

I know you don't, and if you think you take this lyrical blood then you must be mistaken

 

 

 

 

I do not know if you guys remember this poem is is actually the very first post on my blog, which seems like so long ago. I remember when I first wrote this I had a couple people who were meant to be close to me read it, but I did not intially tell them I wrote it... and the response was insane.. they all said who ever wrote this is disturbed and has serious anger issues... and the only person who read it and assummed rite away I wrote it was Mike and my mother. But yet its like more and more I relive that poem, and fel that way everyday, and nobody get's it! I am angry all the time, and I end up snapping on people, and I guess I put on a good front, because a friend of mine told me she is never seen me down, or not bubbly! But the truth is I am not bubbly or happy... I mean I have happy moments that are surrounded by my sadness.

 

The other day I was talking to Mike about this, and he was asking me why and I really could not come up with a reason for why I am so messed up...and I started to cry, so naturually he asked why I was crying and I couldn't answer that either, it's like I am so unhappy/angry all the time that I get so angry that I become sad, and I just cry.... and I guess thats meant to make me feel better and it does for the moment until I start to think again. I never use to be like this I dont know what happened to me?!?!?! I am really hoping I will snap out of it, but some how I really dont think so, and I try to talk to people about and they really think its a joke, and nobody gets it! A lot of stuff has happened in the past, things that nobody knows about, and I dont know if that is the source of my anger. But I know that keeping all the secrets aren't helping me at all!!!

  

 

I've been holding my breath and

Im running out of air

Have you ever looked fear and the face and said I dont care?

Its not fair

I am reaching the piont of no return

I would never pull the triger but i have cried wolf a million times

I would never wish this feeling

I have lost my mind

And im bleeding out inside

You turned me out, and I cant turn back

I sometimes wish I could stop the flow of oxygen

And along with it stop all pain, fear, and hurt

The combination is sufficating

And Im running out of air