Thick like the head of the ignorant b**** I had to teach after she told me...
"locks are disgusting niggers get them after not washing their hair for a long time."
See that lesson played over and over in mind
I mean as foolish as she sounded I'm suprised she even knew to call them locks
That day like some others my blood got so thick it began to form clotts
I became so angry my stomach turned into a million knots
Getting so upset, I went to a place inside I had never been before
A place with blood cold like ice, kind of like the emotions i feel towards life
I have been told the blood in my veins runs deep
Deep like the hatred I feel for my father after he called me a WHORE!!!!
Taking me back to that place, only this time it wass all to familar to me
With needles sticking trying to break that ice, i knew i been there before, I had walked this floor
I have been told that the blood in my veins pumps strong
Strong like the strength it took to go perform every night
Pulling green from places my veins should never have to see nor feel
Strength to live another day forgetting about yesterday
Attempting to forget those blood stained walls
Some other people tell me that running through my veins is some thin blood
Thin like the water in the tears I cry
The tears that ran over the bruises and then into the cuts
Cuts I recieved because I was told I was a slut
Moving on no longer cuts but progressing into sores
Some say the blood in my vein is shallow
Shallow like the wanna be pre-madonnas
I was forced to associate with in order to prove my intellegence
Them triffling heffers who were the true sluts, but pretended to come accross eligant
Others tell me the blood in my veins pumps very weak
Weak and slow like my heartbeat after multiple close but UNSUCCESSFUL suicide attempts
Now I try to overdose, flowing lyrics throw my veins
This struggle for the feeling of exstacy is driving me insane
Keeps bringing back to these familar places
Blood from my sores over flowing in the room
Attempting to donate to save a life.
But turned away, I can't give life when mine is already taken
Nobody wants whats tainted
You heard my story, would you?????
I know you don't, and if you think you take this lyrical blood then you must be mistaken
I do not know if you guys remember this poem is is actually the very first post on my blog, which seems like so long ago. I remember when I first wrote this I had a couple people who were meant to be close to me read it, but I did not intially tell them I wrote it... and the response was insane.. they all said who ever wrote this is disturbed and has serious anger issues... and the only person who read it and assummed rite away I wrote it was Mike and my mother. But yet its like more and more I relive that poem, and fel that way everyday, and nobody get's it! I am angry all the time, and I end up snapping on people, and I guess I put on a good front, because a friend of mine told me she is never seen me down, or not bubbly! But the truth is I am not bubbly or happy... I mean I have happy moments that are surrounded by my sadness.
The other day I was talking to Mike about this, and he was asking me why and I really could not come up with a reason for why I am so messed up...and I started to cry, so naturually he asked why I was crying and I couldn't answer that either, it's like I am so unhappy/angry all the time that I get so angry that I become sad, and I just cry.... and I guess thats meant to make me feel better and it does for the moment until I start to think again. I never use to be like this I dont know what happened to me?!?!?! I am really hoping I will snap out of it, but some how I really dont think so, and I try to talk to people about and they really think its a joke, and nobody gets it! A lot of stuff has happened in the past, things that nobody knows about, and I dont know if that is the source of my anger. But I know that keeping all the secrets aren't helping me at all!!!
I've been holding my breath and
Im running out of air
Have you ever looked fear and the face and said I dont care?
Its not fair
I am reaching the piont of no return
I would never pull the triger but i have cried wolf a million times
I would never wish this feeling
I have lost my mind
And im bleeding out inside
You turned me out, and I cant turn back
I sometimes wish I could stop the flow of oxygen
And along with it stop all pain, fear, and hurt
The combination is sufficating
And Im running out of air