I have the tendency to be stuck in my own feelings sometimes, and I begin to dwell on certain aspects of my life. Lately my sisters have been very heavy on my mind. When I was little I use to beg my mom for a sibling; I longed for that "normal" sibling rivalry and love. She always told me I was more than enough, and she’s never having anymore! I have been blessed to make some great friends over the years that are practically sisters to me, but it is never the same. When I was 7 two years after my parents had officially separated I was in Jersey at a funeral with my father, a day that I will never forget. My father was driving on the way to the burial site. I was in the back seat on the left hand side, while another girl who I later found out was 2 years older than me was sitting to the right of me. We are following the long line of cars when my father looks through the rearview mirror, and say “Pussneck(my nick name) , this is Shante.” I smiled and waved “hi,” as he continued to say “she is YOUR older sister.” At first I had no grasp on what he had said, in my naive mind, she couldn’t be my sister, we didn’t live together, she is older how come I have never met her, grandad always said I was the first grandchild… so my mind landed on denial. He continued to reassure me that she was in fact my sister and that I should talk to her…
I could only imagine what was going through her mind, I wonder if she already knew who I was? How she felt? Was she in denial too?
The rest was a bit of a blur, it’s funny how I forget what I eat for lunch, but that day rings through so vivid in my mind still. I never really spoke to or saw her again until my freshman year of high school. Everyone use to say we looked so much alike, her freshman class picture and mine were identical! There was no denying my site alone that we were related. I still have hers ironically in a "bestfriend" picture frame on my dressing table; I guess I hope one day all four of us will be bestfirends. Oh she wasn’t the only one, of course by this time I accepted she was my sister and had a better understanding of how; after finding out I have two other sisters Brea and Tiffany they are younger than me though. So needless to say I did not have that “typical” sister relationship or experience. Luckily I was able to see my little sisters more often, with their countless trips to South Florida and our trips we went on together! At one point they were coming up every summer, so I formed somewhat of a sisterly bound during the summer time, but I always had an older sister that I had no contact with and no one seemed to know how to contact her.
Then the wonderful world of technology and social media intervened. I had been searching for her on social media multiple times, but come up empty every time. After years of no luck; I had begun to accept that I may never get to know her, or find her. Then one day I saw her mom comment on another relatives post. I instantly requested her and asked “where and how is Shante?” Which at the time I think I was spelling incorrectly. The issue was I was looking for her under my last name, because Tiffany, Brea, and myself have our father’s last name so I assumed Shante would too, but I stand corrected. So of course I found her and requested her;when I ofund her she accepted it was almost like finding out I had a sister for the first time again. This all took place a little over a year ago, and while this was taking place our dad was extremely ill, so as soon as she accepted I asked for her number so I could let her know what was going on. I will admit it was nerve racking and awkward to ask her for her number, it was like talking to a complete stranger, who I just found after 7 years and asking her for her personal information. CREEPY!lol!
The initial conversation was even more awkward, I remember I was on the Metro-Rail on my way home from visiting our dad at the hospital and whispered to myself it’s now or never! I called and was a little shocked that she answered, because I know I don’t answer foreign numbers, if your not saved in my contacts, good luck! As crazy as it was to talk to her on the phone, and inspite of the fact I was delivering bad news to someone who idealy was a stranger; saying OUR father is in ICU! I was relieved and happy to hear her voice and alk to her!
While we are now Facebook friends I still have not seen her in over 7 years, and we do not communicate as much as I would like,., I think since that phone call I havent spoken to her on the phone. Most people don’t even know I am not an only child. We have made attempts at trying to get know each other but I don’t think it will ever be the same until one of us makes that trip!
Hopefully as we all get older we will begin talk more often, recently there has been some more frequent communication on Facebook, but Tiffany doesn’t have one so I have not been able to contact her in a while either. While I know we may never be one big perfect happy family, I pray that we have some form of a "sisterly" relationship!
I LOVE YOU SISTERS!!!
I could only imagine what was going through her mind, I wonder if she already knew who I was? How she felt? Was she in denial too?
Well we all know since my father found out about "Unstable Cradle" our relationship like this cake have been up in the air. Well I did wish him a "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!" via text, which I recieved no response to,but of course I did not expect one! I even debated buying him a card...but enlight of what he said about his Christmas card I thought best I didn't. In my eyes it's like I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't!!! Of course my Mom went on and on about how I should I buy one, but I thought about it and consulted with others..and thought it might not be in my best interest....especially since at this point I would have no idea what to write inside. And the writer in me wont let me send a card that just says Happy Birthday in it... 