Be Blessed!!!

Recently a lot of truely amazing things have been happening in my life, I am currently work for a non-profit organization that has given me the oppurtunity to obtain my dream of being an artist while working with kids at the same time; while still keeping the same focuses of Unstable Cradle! I am finally getting back to my art(www.wix.com/stephaniegowdy/alyrical), which who ever truely knows me, understands that is my real love... and not only have I returned to my love I am actually making money for it(NOT THAT IT IS ABOUT THAT!). I am about to start my final year of school, graduating in May with my Bachelors in Business. With all this positivity fluding my life, negativity has been intruding my thoughts and my spirit constantly.

I have been truely battling this emotionally for sometime, while continuing to put on my normal brave face. The past 8 months I have learned a lot about who I am, and my actions. Everybody has the yerning to be accepted actually my pal wrote about that very thing this morning(www.yourbloodismyblood.com). I defnitely will not deny my yerning for the same thing, but this has become my complete downfall. I am a people pleaser... meaning I do anything within my abilities to accomadate others without ever taking into consideration my own needs. I can count on one hand how often how this worked out for me, but I would need a hundred hands to count how many times it has caught me in sticky situations. No dont get it twisted I am not nagging or complaining abiout things I do for other becasue I like helping poeple... but I have a problem sometimes, where the answer should be "NO" or "NOT RITE NOW," or one of the other million and one excuses I get from the same people when I turn around and ask them for help... but I never do. I expect to be treated with the same respect I give you, my time is just as valuable as yours. I did not even realize how much this was happening until a friend pointed it out to me, and then continued to acknowlegde it everytime it reoccured. The sitauation has made me very weary and cautious of people, I always use to look for the good in people, but now I am just untrusting wether I have known you for years or not. I am starting to feel like paranoia is setting in. Anyway I am working on it.. but I know it will be a never ending battle becasue I am a giver, always have been.. I mean it is truely a blessing to be able to give rather than recieve?

- @MsChay84

Speaking of blessings, as I said previously a lot of really great things are happening to me.. but I just feel some kind of way about it all. For once my life is coming together and emotionally I feel like I am falling apart all over again. I know a large portion of it is me not being in the word like I know I should be. For a period of time I was really progressing and walking forward in regards to my relationship with the Lord, but recently I feel like I am at a stand still. I will tell you the reason I first started going to church, I had a friend who I had known for years and we lost contact, then one day her and her now husband walked into my store (bath & body works) and we started talking and catching up. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. Then I started to see her more frequently in the store when ever I worked and sometimes she was just coming from church, well they always seem to be filled with so much joy. I was longing to feel that same joy I felt they had. This was also rite after I had gotten out the hospital and my father and I were still not on speaking terms. So I reached out to her, and basically invited myself to church with her. From day one as I have told you in previous post I loved it! I felt so welcome, and I was building a relationship with God, started serving in different ministries within the church, I even went out and bought myself a new Bible! I was feeling good again and things were looking up. But now that I have reached this abrupt hault I find myself looking down. I found myself beginning to pull away from everybody and church as a whole... while I never delibrately missed a service or two, I did not make the proper efforts. I am now trying to get back, and I know it is just the devil trying to stop me from recieving my blessing; but the devil is a LIAR!!!!  Another thing that caused me to stray, is whenever I do get closer to God and continue to build our relationship, I have these reoccuring dreams or shall I say nightmares, I dont even want to go into the dreams because they are so haunting and I refuse to even give the devil that kind of victory! 

I was actually talking to a good friend(@jojoleneee) of mine about this, who is also struggling with some of the same things. We have made a pact to come up with a Devotional plan, and we will basically checkin with eachother to make sure we are staying on track and weekly we will have bible studies together, so we can really dive into the word. I love my pal, and love have a christian friend to confide in... I truely wish I had more(not to say she is the only one!).

I am truely hoping this will help get me back on track and replenish my motivation. 

NO MATTER HOW HARD the devil TRIES I WILL BE BLESSED!!!!