It was a very MERRY Christmas!!!

Well as you all know Christmas just passed, and as i previously mentioned I went to visit my father's! Now before we jump to conclusions it actually went extremely well. The word nervous no where near describes how I felt on the drive to the his house....my mom said she was going to drop me off, and along the way I had to stop and pick up a card for him. Selecting cards for my father is always the hardest thing to, because lets be honest they say everything he is not! At this moment in time I was a little happy about this because it postponed our meeting! Finally I found one that said all that a father should be...and following all the passionate words it read "like a father should be...." never stating that he was or is...so it was PERFECT! Now back on the road to his home, near approaching his house I talked my mom into at least walking up to the door ro say "hello" and "merry christmas!"

As I reached the front step, my heart was racing, and had flashbacks of our fights and some of hurtful things he said the last time we spoke and I was in that house. He opened the door and invited my mother and I in. With my hand shaking profusely I handed him his carefully chosen Christmas card. I quickly placed my things down on the coach and my mom sat down as I ran to the ladies room... when I returned my fatheer was gone... a few seconds later he returned and handed me an orange box, and mumbled "i never did get a chance fi rap it..." I began to read the long passage on the front... but to be honest I skimmed and was thinking what the heck is in this box???? I opened the box and there was a Struhrling watch inside; with a million pieces of paper the read "warranty", "manual" and many more. I quickly put it on! My father turned to me and asked "you like it.." me with a grin on my face nodded yes; he continued "I have the same one, but mine a likkle bigger fi de males dem" as he held up his rist to show me! Now of cousre I felt a little bad, my mom kept nagging for me to buy him a gift, and I said no; all i bought him was a card and he gave me a $200 almost $300 watch!

Later I spoke to hubby and he jokingly said "gonna have to shut Unstable Cradle down!" Now let me make this clear like I have said in the past other all the things I post on this website about my father are all true but no matter what I still and always will LOVE him!! Granted he was in a really good mood when I visted, good enough for my mother and I to stay for over an hour...my dad from what you all have previously read is not always like that. After mothe and Isaid god bye and recieved very loving huggs from him we proceeded to the car; and as we pulled away we discussed how we ould tell my father is lonely and that fairly sixed house all by himself! My mother said to me "you know that website is going to break his heart!" then she thought for a second and proceeded to say "although letting him know what he did to you may be good for him!" I though about what she said... and it will truely break him, but at the same time like she said he needs to know how he broke me! I thought about maybe withdrawing from Unstable Cradle for a minute, but this theraputic to me...and a majority of my life is spent trying to please and satisfy other people; its time i do something for me! And regardless of how my father acted this visit...he changes completely from one moment to the next!

@Down2theLow

Since I started blogging almost a year now, I have really got into reading other peoples blogs...I LOVE IT!! One of the blogs I really love reading among the many is http://mydownlowlife.blogspot.com/ you all should definitely check it out, and now I am hooked on her book! Anyway after reading her blog a couple times, I can't remember why at first but I emailed her for something....and we have been emailing about everything and anything ever since! She is a phenomenal and intelligent woman, and she is extremely easy to talk to. She herself did not have the best relationship with her father growing up, she has not told me the full story yet but when she does she has given me premission to share it with all of you!


Well have you all have seen any of my tweets, you probably know my father is not well and it has been like pulling teath to get a hold of him or even find out what was wrong with him through anybody! Anyway when I found out that he was not well, of course I was worried, because no matter what I will always and forever love my father...I just do not appreciate a lot of the things he does! Well I began talking to @down2theLow about my feelings to father in regards to my blog... that if anything ever happened to him in away I would never forgive myself for not telling him about this site and how I really feel! As soon as I found out he was ill I called constantly adn left voicemails and never heard back from him! I finally spoke to him this morning, when he finally answered the phone! Boy, was that conversation awkward! He gave me one word reponses the whole time, and still did not give me much information about him being sick. Then he abruptly hung up, with no real goodbye! I am not going to lie I was a little hurt, but what was I really expecting we are talking about my father!


Throughout it all along with Mike, @down2thelow has been helping me deal with it the last couple days. She is truely awesome and always there with an open heart and mind sharing her guidance and wisdom! I love her!!

GOOD MAN PROJECT

We all know Christmas is quickly approaching, and as I mentioned before my mother and myself are suppose to attend my grandmothers dinner at my dads house. While doing research today for "Unstable Cradle" I came across this book/documentary... and was thinking it maybe an awesome gift for my father. I am really anxious to see him for Christmas, but at the same time, I really want him to know how I feel, by either siting him down and tell him(which will probably never happen) or directing him to this blog. I hate to say this but if I did buy him the documentary or book he probably would not read/watch it anyway and if he did he would not understand why I gave it to him or the significance of it. In two days it will be my birthday and I am really hoping to get a phone call from him wishing me happy birthday but I am not holding my breath!

http://www.goodmenbook.org/thedocumentary.php

I desperately wish my father could or would be a good man, while I know nobody is perfect it would be awesome if dad truely made an attempt to be a better man! While everybody has their own definition of a good man their is no way my father believes that what he has done or hasn't done is the correct definition!

As you all probaly know I have been trying to spread the word about "Unstable Cradle" anyway possible, and through that I have got to know some really amazing people like @JennRaines who have shared their stories with me. Well now you tell you about another person I met @lpoollad2009 or Ged.
Despite all Ged went through emotionaly and physically with his father and mother when growing up, he has grown to be an amazing and successful man.
Although not shy when Ged and I first began to talk he was very limited with the information he expressed with me, but the more we began to talk, the more he started to open up.
I was a lot like Ged when growing up, in the aspect that although are fathers were abusive towards us and our mothers, we still loved our fathers dearly and it was almost like they were doing no wrong even though we knew they were. Ged's father use to physically abuse him, and as a result of his fathers abuse he pushed his mother away, because he blamed her. Ged's mom left his father when Ged was four and his father past a year later, and because he thought his mom knew of the abuse he blamed her and at the age o twelve moved in with his grandmother and cut off all communication despite her attempts for six years. Until his grandmother pasted and he realized he did need his mom and opened up enough have commincation with her! Ged has now as an adult released all of those ill feelings he had about his mother and blaming her for his fathers death!
 And has progressed into a phenomenal man, who is so sweet and caring...you couldn't find a better friend! Follow him on twitter @lpoollad2009

More Influences...

After publishing the post about influential men in my life, I thought that through the rough relationship I have had with my dad, there have been some women, who have really helped me a lot, and influenced my life as well!

First we have Zipporah or Zippy, where do I even began... Zippy has always been there for me, friends since the 7th grade she knows all to well how my father acts. She has been there for the arguing(or him yelling), been at family functions that he attended, everything. Zippy was the friend I told you about that was at the hotel with me when my dad came by to yell at me for two hours. She is also the girl who intoduced me to the before mentioned James. Zipporah has always been there to tell me when I maybe making a mistake, counsel me, party with me, and just be goofy with me. Actually today is her birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZIPPY!!! When my life was a mess, she helped me put it back together, and got me out of Palm Beach to Orlando where we shared an apartment(while that did not turn out the way we expected). I still love her and miss her, we were best friends. She is one of the few people I can always be myself around, and she excepts me for all of my craziness...

I LOVE YOU ZIPPORAH!!

While living in Orlando I met this amazing woman, the love of my life; through a mutual friend. Although I have not known Melissa as long as Zipporah she has definitely become a very close friend extremly fast. She is so easy to talk to and is always there to back me up! Although I am always giving her guidance, trying to stop her from making the mistakes as me, she has helped me learn so much about myself and grow as an individual at the sametime. She was there to help me when in transition when I moved out of my apartment, she came to help me pack up all my stuff(and I had a lot of stuff...lol). Now that I am back in Palm Beach she has driven down and visited me multiple times, sometimes I have not been able to see her, because of bbw(sorry my love), but she stands by me through thck and thin regardless. Mel has got to be my biggest supporter besides Mike... and she always there to party with!! I do not know what I would do with out this chica... when my dad is being his normal self, she helps remind me that it's not my fault, and that one day he will come around and recognize his mistakes(we hope)!

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MELISSA!!!

Then we had Mrs.Wax, my high school chemistry teacher but more importantly my friend. I have known her since my sophmore year of high school, and she has always pushed me and helped me to be the best I can be. Many years and tutoring sessions later we have become very close, especially since I moved back to Palm Beach, we frequently meet for lunch or dinner, to catch up(because we tell eachother pretty much everything). She always keeps me laughing with her craziness, and whitty remarks. During high school when I was having the most problems with my dad she was always there offering a shoulder to lean on. My senior year of high school I moved away and graduated from another school...it was really sad, I missed her! I didn't even take a science class that year, nobody could ever replace Mrs.Wax!

THANKS MRS.WAX, LOVE YA!!! 

Next we have Marla or Marly, my cousin and Peter's sister! Marla has always been there for me, ever since I began spending my summers in Memphis, she is like an older sister to me. Just like Peter and I we use to get on eachother nerves, and still do..lol! But through our difference of opinions and everything, there is always one thing we will always agree on, WE LOVE EACHOTHER!! She recently read my blog, and was like how come I am not in it...lol, here you go Marly!lol! Although she lives far away, she is always there in spirit, and only one call away offering her support and her very voiced opinion!

I LOVE YOU MARLA!!!

Lastly, but defintely not least we have my crazy pal Jessenia, we have quickly became friends. She is an amazing woman, she was there for me before we even met! Myspace then Facebook friends at first she is the person who inspired me to blog in the first place.. with one of her imfamous qoutes "BE HEARD!" She is obviously a fellow blogger(http://www.yourbloodismyblood.com/), on her quest to find her birth mother! She has always been like a big sis to me, there offering her guidance and support, helping me to make the rite descions,motivate me, and just all around help me to be a better myself, helping to learn some things about myself, and who I want to be! Mike use to call her "twin," because everytime he called, and asked what I was doing, the majority of the time involved Jessenia, wether it was, eating, working out, shopping, poetry clubs, her blog, tweeting(@iamadopted), meetings, her inspiring qoutes, and did I mention eating...lol(we did that a lot)! We both attend the same University, well she attends I am enrolled; but she is soon moving to be with her man, I am going to be so sad, who am I going to workout, act silly, eat, and tell crazy stories with! She is always reminding me, though I may never be at peace with the relationship I have with my father or lack there of, but I will find peace through Christ Jesus who is our true father!

I LOVE YOU JESSENIA!!! 

His Journey!

I had the pleasure of meeting  a fellow blogger, a gentlemen by twitter name @AbsentDad, I must admit when I first cam accross his twitter name that is what got me interested, I immediately assumed that it was someone going through the same struggle I was.... but after I read his blog(http://absenteedad.blogspot.com/), and speaking to him I soon learned his story is a little different, a story you unfortunately do not hear as much as mine!


Me and @AbsentDad began emailing eachother and he told me his story, I do not want to give to much away becasue he has a blog of his own that he is going to post on, but the short story is he was dating a woman for a short period and when he decieded he still wanted to be with his ex, causing him to stop dating the woman, she found out she was pregnant. He attempted to do the correct thing by being there for the woman baring his child and still being faithful in his relationship, but after a long struggle the woman requested him to stay out of her and his daughters life! HE DID! The thing different about him is he has regreted that ever since... his blog is his road back to his daughter after 16yrs of no contact! He has recently began e-mailing her, but she is not to open, but I have expresssed to him she will open up when she is ready, look  how long it took me! I have never heard the story told form this point of view, I commend him, too many men leave and never look back! People may say well he never should have given up in the first place, but you do not know what he was going through, and nobody is perfect and the operative point is that he is now attempting to rectify the relationship!
In closing @AbsentDad wrote this to me in an email, and I attempt to remind myself of this everyday, that this is not my fault, but everybody makes mistakes...and I know it may not seem that way i forgive me dad for what he has done; like I said in a way I am thankful for it...becasue it made me the strong woman I am today!

"This is a very different situation from yours, but here is the essential similarity: what happened with your father is NOT your fault! You did nothing wrong. Adults mess up and do painful things that leave scars, but the core fact is it is not your fault, failure or shortcoming that caused it.it's good to feel your pain, own it and experience it ... and then it is good to do what you can to move beyond it, not let it own you. Some people wear their pain as a continual badge of honor; it defines them but also controls them. Not saying you're doing this, just saying that, while it may be ironic that I'm giving this advice, I have lived using my pain as a shield & sword ... and maybe I was an absent father because of it. The experience of having and leaving L___ was what made me finally go to therapy and hopefully grow."

You all should FOLLOW @AbsantDad on twitter and most definitely FOLLOW his blog to hear the whole story and see him proceed on a road to a better relationship with his lost daughter!