It was a very MERRY Christmas!!!

Well as you all know Christmas just passed, and as i previously mentioned I went to visit my father's! Now before we jump to conclusions it actually went extremely well. The word nervous no where near describes how I felt on the drive to the his house....my mom said she was going to drop me off, and along the way I had to stop and pick up a card for him. Selecting cards for my father is always the hardest thing to, because lets be honest they say everything he is not! At this moment in time I was a little happy about this because it postponed our meeting! Finally I found one that said all that a father should be...and following all the passionate words it read "like a father should be...." never stating that he was or is...so it was PERFECT! Now back on the road to his home, near approaching his house I talked my mom into at least walking up to the door ro say "hello" and "merry christmas!"

As I reached the front step, my heart was racing, and had flashbacks of our fights and some of hurtful things he said the last time we spoke and I was in that house. He opened the door and invited my mother and I in. With my hand shaking profusely I handed him his carefully chosen Christmas card. I quickly placed my things down on the coach and my mom sat down as I ran to the ladies room... when I returned my fatheer was gone... a few seconds later he returned and handed me an orange box, and mumbled "i never did get a chance fi rap it..." I began to read the long passage on the front... but to be honest I skimmed and was thinking what the heck is in this box???? I opened the box and there was a Struhrling watch inside; with a million pieces of paper the read "warranty", "manual" and many more. I quickly put it on! My father turned to me and asked "you like it.." me with a grin on my face nodded yes; he continued "I have the same one, but mine a likkle bigger fi de males dem" as he held up his rist to show me! Now of cousre I felt a little bad, my mom kept nagging for me to buy him a gift, and I said no; all i bought him was a card and he gave me a $200 almost $300 watch!

Later I spoke to hubby and he jokingly said "gonna have to shut Unstable Cradle down!" Now let me make this clear like I have said in the past other all the things I post on this website about my father are all true but no matter what I still and always will LOVE him!! Granted he was in a really good mood when I visted, good enough for my mother and I to stay for over an hour...my dad from what you all have previously read is not always like that. After mothe and Isaid god bye and recieved very loving huggs from him we proceeded to the car; and as we pulled away we discussed how we ould tell my father is lonely and that fairly sixed house all by himself! My mother said to me "you know that website is going to break his heart!" then she thought for a second and proceeded to say "although letting him know what he did to you may be good for him!" I though about what she said... and it will truely break him, but at the same time like she said he needs to know how he broke me! I thought about maybe withdrawing from Unstable Cradle for a minute, but this theraputic to me...and a majority of my life is spent trying to please and satisfy other people; its time i do something for me! And regardless of how my father acted this visit...he changes completely from one moment to the next!

@Down2theLow

Since I started blogging almost a year now, I have really got into reading other peoples blogs...I LOVE IT!! One of the blogs I really love reading among the many is http://mydownlowlife.blogspot.com/ you all should definitely check it out, and now I am hooked on her book! Anyway after reading her blog a couple times, I can't remember why at first but I emailed her for something....and we have been emailing about everything and anything ever since! She is a phenomenal and intelligent woman, and she is extremely easy to talk to. She herself did not have the best relationship with her father growing up, she has not told me the full story yet but when she does she has given me premission to share it with all of you!


Well have you all have seen any of my tweets, you probably know my father is not well and it has been like pulling teath to get a hold of him or even find out what was wrong with him through anybody! Anyway when I found out that he was not well, of course I was worried, because no matter what I will always and forever love my father...I just do not appreciate a lot of the things he does! Well I began talking to @down2theLow about my feelings to father in regards to my blog... that if anything ever happened to him in away I would never forgive myself for not telling him about this site and how I really feel! As soon as I found out he was ill I called constantly adn left voicemails and never heard back from him! I finally spoke to him this morning, when he finally answered the phone! Boy, was that conversation awkward! He gave me one word reponses the whole time, and still did not give me much information about him being sick. Then he abruptly hung up, with no real goodbye! I am not going to lie I was a little hurt, but what was I really expecting we are talking about my father!


Throughout it all along with Mike, @down2thelow has been helping me deal with it the last couple days. She is truely awesome and always there with an open heart and mind sharing her guidance and wisdom! I love her!!

GOOD MAN PROJECT

We all know Christmas is quickly approaching, and as I mentioned before my mother and myself are suppose to attend my grandmothers dinner at my dads house. While doing research today for "Unstable Cradle" I came across this book/documentary... and was thinking it maybe an awesome gift for my father. I am really anxious to see him for Christmas, but at the same time, I really want him to know how I feel, by either siting him down and tell him(which will probably never happen) or directing him to this blog. I hate to say this but if I did buy him the documentary or book he probably would not read/watch it anyway and if he did he would not understand why I gave it to him or the significance of it. In two days it will be my birthday and I am really hoping to get a phone call from him wishing me happy birthday but I am not holding my breath!

http://www.goodmenbook.org/thedocumentary.php

I desperately wish my father could or would be a good man, while I know nobody is perfect it would be awesome if dad truely made an attempt to be a better man! While everybody has their own definition of a good man their is no way my father believes that what he has done or hasn't done is the correct definition!

As you all probaly know I have been trying to spread the word about "Unstable Cradle" anyway possible, and through that I have got to know some really amazing people like @JennRaines who have shared their stories with me. Well now you tell you about another person I met @lpoollad2009 or Ged.
Despite all Ged went through emotionaly and physically with his father and mother when growing up, he has grown to be an amazing and successful man.
Although not shy when Ged and I first began to talk he was very limited with the information he expressed with me, but the more we began to talk, the more he started to open up.
I was a lot like Ged when growing up, in the aspect that although are fathers were abusive towards us and our mothers, we still loved our fathers dearly and it was almost like they were doing no wrong even though we knew they were. Ged's father use to physically abuse him, and as a result of his fathers abuse he pushed his mother away, because he blamed her. Ged's mom left his father when Ged was four and his father past a year later, and because he thought his mom knew of the abuse he blamed her and at the age o twelve moved in with his grandmother and cut off all communication despite her attempts for six years. Until his grandmother pasted and he realized he did need his mom and opened up enough have commincation with her! Ged has now as an adult released all of those ill feelings he had about his mother and blaming her for his fathers death!
 And has progressed into a phenomenal man, who is so sweet and caring...you couldn't find a better friend! Follow him on twitter @lpoollad2009

More Influences...

After publishing the post about influential men in my life, I thought that through the rough relationship I have had with my dad, there have been some women, who have really helped me a lot, and influenced my life as well!

First we have Zipporah or Zippy, where do I even began... Zippy has always been there for me, friends since the 7th grade she knows all to well how my father acts. She has been there for the arguing(or him yelling), been at family functions that he attended, everything. Zippy was the friend I told you about that was at the hotel with me when my dad came by to yell at me for two hours. She is also the girl who intoduced me to the before mentioned James. Zipporah has always been there to tell me when I maybe making a mistake, counsel me, party with me, and just be goofy with me. Actually today is her birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZIPPY!!! When my life was a mess, she helped me put it back together, and got me out of Palm Beach to Orlando where we shared an apartment(while that did not turn out the way we expected). I still love her and miss her, we were best friends. She is one of the few people I can always be myself around, and she excepts me for all of my craziness...

I LOVE YOU ZIPPORAH!!

While living in Orlando I met this amazing woman, the love of my life; through a mutual friend. Although I have not known Melissa as long as Zipporah she has definitely become a very close friend extremly fast. She is so easy to talk to and is always there to back me up! Although I am always giving her guidance, trying to stop her from making the mistakes as me, she has helped me learn so much about myself and grow as an individual at the sametime. She was there to help me when in transition when I moved out of my apartment, she came to help me pack up all my stuff(and I had a lot of stuff...lol). Now that I am back in Palm Beach she has driven down and visited me multiple times, sometimes I have not been able to see her, because of bbw(sorry my love), but she stands by me through thck and thin regardless. Mel has got to be my biggest supporter besides Mike... and she always there to party with!! I do not know what I would do with out this chica... when my dad is being his normal self, she helps remind me that it's not my fault, and that one day he will come around and recognize his mistakes(we hope)!

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MELISSA!!!

Then we had Mrs.Wax, my high school chemistry teacher but more importantly my friend. I have known her since my sophmore year of high school, and she has always pushed me and helped me to be the best I can be. Many years and tutoring sessions later we have become very close, especially since I moved back to Palm Beach, we frequently meet for lunch or dinner, to catch up(because we tell eachother pretty much everything). She always keeps me laughing with her craziness, and whitty remarks. During high school when I was having the most problems with my dad she was always there offering a shoulder to lean on. My senior year of high school I moved away and graduated from another school...it was really sad, I missed her! I didn't even take a science class that year, nobody could ever replace Mrs.Wax!

THANKS MRS.WAX, LOVE YA!!! 

Next we have Marla or Marly, my cousin and Peter's sister! Marla has always been there for me, ever since I began spending my summers in Memphis, she is like an older sister to me. Just like Peter and I we use to get on eachother nerves, and still do..lol! But through our difference of opinions and everything, there is always one thing we will always agree on, WE LOVE EACHOTHER!! She recently read my blog, and was like how come I am not in it...lol, here you go Marly!lol! Although she lives far away, she is always there in spirit, and only one call away offering her support and her very voiced opinion!

I LOVE YOU MARLA!!!

Lastly, but defintely not least we have my crazy pal Jessenia, we have quickly became friends. She is an amazing woman, she was there for me before we even met! Myspace then Facebook friends at first she is the person who inspired me to blog in the first place.. with one of her imfamous qoutes "BE HEARD!" She is obviously a fellow blogger(http://www.yourbloodismyblood.com/), on her quest to find her birth mother! She has always been like a big sis to me, there offering her guidance and support, helping me to make the rite descions,motivate me, and just all around help me to be a better myself, helping to learn some things about myself, and who I want to be! Mike use to call her "twin," because everytime he called, and asked what I was doing, the majority of the time involved Jessenia, wether it was, eating, working out, shopping, poetry clubs, her blog, tweeting(@iamadopted), meetings, her inspiring qoutes, and did I mention eating...lol(we did that a lot)! We both attend the same University, well she attends I am enrolled; but she is soon moving to be with her man, I am going to be so sad, who am I going to workout, act silly, eat, and tell crazy stories with! She is always reminding me, though I may never be at peace with the relationship I have with my father or lack there of, but I will find peace through Christ Jesus who is our true father!

I LOVE YOU JESSENIA!!! 

His Journey!

I had the pleasure of meeting  a fellow blogger, a gentlemen by twitter name @AbsentDad, I must admit when I first cam accross his twitter name that is what got me interested, I immediately assumed that it was someone going through the same struggle I was.... but after I read his blog(http://absenteedad.blogspot.com/), and speaking to him I soon learned his story is a little different, a story you unfortunately do not hear as much as mine!


Me and @AbsentDad began emailing eachother and he told me his story, I do not want to give to much away becasue he has a blog of his own that he is going to post on, but the short story is he was dating a woman for a short period and when he decieded he still wanted to be with his ex, causing him to stop dating the woman, she found out she was pregnant. He attempted to do the correct thing by being there for the woman baring his child and still being faithful in his relationship, but after a long struggle the woman requested him to stay out of her and his daughters life! HE DID! The thing different about him is he has regreted that ever since... his blog is his road back to his daughter after 16yrs of no contact! He has recently began e-mailing her, but she is not to open, but I have expresssed to him she will open up when she is ready, look  how long it took me! I have never heard the story told form this point of view, I commend him, too many men leave and never look back! People may say well he never should have given up in the first place, but you do not know what he was going through, and nobody is perfect and the operative point is that he is now attempting to rectify the relationship!
In closing @AbsentDad wrote this to me in an email, and I attempt to remind myself of this everyday, that this is not my fault, but everybody makes mistakes...and I know it may not seem that way i forgive me dad for what he has done; like I said in a way I am thankful for it...becasue it made me the strong woman I am today!

"This is a very different situation from yours, but here is the essential similarity: what happened with your father is NOT your fault! You did nothing wrong. Adults mess up and do painful things that leave scars, but the core fact is it is not your fault, failure or shortcoming that caused it.it's good to feel your pain, own it and experience it ... and then it is good to do what you can to move beyond it, not let it own you. Some people wear their pain as a continual badge of honor; it defines them but also controls them. Not saying you're doing this, just saying that, while it may be ironic that I'm giving this advice, I have lived using my pain as a shield & sword ... and maybe I was an absent father because of it. The experience of having and leaving L___ was what made me finally go to therapy and hopefully grow."

You all should FOLLOW @AbsantDad on twitter and most definitely FOLLOW his blog to hear the whole story and see him proceed on a road to a better relationship with his lost daughter!

Influences

Moving along with what my mom said.. I had to take some time to think about who I really wanted to include in this post.. and while there has been multiple people and males who have had some sort of influence on me... I had to think about the ones who truely knew or know me, and my life!

First I have to start my best friend in the whole world and cousin PETER! Peter is more like a big brother to me, he does not live near me, but when I need him he definitely there in spirit! Growing up when I visited him for the summer I know we got on eachothers nerves, but now that I am older, I sure we still get on eachothers nerves!lol! Peter is always there to guide me, and tell me when I am heading down the wrong path in his loving manner. No matter what is going on in his world or mine, he can always put a smile on my face with his goofiness..:) I have been through some crazy things and gone to do something stupid things, but Peter is always there to talk to and bail me out!

I LOVE YOU FABIEN!!!

Next up is my dads brother/my uncle Que! Definitely is one of my favorite uncles on my Dads side, he is so easy to talk to, and always pushes me to do the rite things. Nobody is perfect and he like many of us has made mistakes, but he teaches me through them to make sure I do not make the same ones. I remember when I graduated, my dad said he could not come, and he never even called, despite my uncle's circumstance he sent a card with a letter...and he has never once forgotten my birthday! He is one of the few in the family that actually listens to both sides of the struggle between myself and my father.. and give guidance based upon that instead of basing it solely on the garbage my father has said! He is another individual that does not live close to me, but he is always there in spirit!

I LOVE YOU UNCLE QUE!!!!

Then we have good ole' Strick or Najee as most people know him. I met Strick in art class my senior year, and his work was always so amazing, so we use to sit next to each other in class. We quickly became friends, laughing and giggling over stupid stories, Family Guy, and my crazy friends back home. Strick was always there to keep me smiling. Strick like me does not have the best relationship with his father, and we never use to talk on that level until recently.. but I consider Strick like a brotha from another motha...lol!!! We always have a good time when we are together, but when it comes down to it, we can talk about pretty much anything, and we always got each others back! Lately Strick has been going through a lot, and I want him to know I am here for him, like he has always been for me!!

LOVE YA STRICK!!!!

Lastly we have James, I have known him the shortest amount of time, but I must say he has a very good judge of character and he knows me pretty well, I might even say a little better than the ones before him! During the short year and a half I have known him, he has offered a lot of guidance, and helped me make some monumental decisions, and helped me get rid of the trash in my life. James and I may not always see eye to eye, and he is never hesitant to express his own opinion about what he wants me to do. For a while James and I fell off becasue of some stupid mistakes I made, and I really regret, but we have recently began talking a little bit now.. and I will forever be grateful for what he has done for me, wether he realizes it or not!

THANK YOU JAMES!

(and i got to thank Zipporah for introducing us!)

My Back Bone!!!

This weekend my mom finally got to read my blog, we went to Starbucks together and read together, while she said I need to edit something she expressed how proud of me she was, and is! While on the way home form Starbucks she sad that I should attempt to place some positive things on my blog, besides the post I have about Mike. She said I should think about some positive male role models. While I do some positive male role models for a long time my mom has been my mother, father and everything else in between, so this one is all about my MOMMY!!! My mom is such an amazing woman and everyone who has the pleasure of knowing her, knows that! Despite my dad's lack of effort to be a father to me, my mother quickly assummed the role of both mother and father for me. She did what ever she needed to when i was growing up, taking night jobs to make sure she was there for me during the day, attending all my events, what ever it was SHE WAS THERE!!!  Just some examples of my mom doing what ever she can, I use to play travel volleyball, and we had an away game, and my mom said she couldn't go, so she sent to ride with a teammate. The morning of the tournament, as we were about to begin our second game in hops my mom(hops, because she had just had surgery the week before). My senior year of high school I moved away, and it was Thanksgiving and I was definitely home sick, well my mom told me there was no way she would be able to visit me, or have me come home....Rite before we sat down to eat dinner, my mom walked in.... I cried so hard!!

Although my mom and I have not always seen eye to eye, I always know she has my best interest at heart! My mom has been through a whole lot, and its by the grace of God that I have here with me day in and day out!! I understand it is what she has been through that makes her tha amazing individual she is and why she tells me the things she does(even though she says them a million times LOL)so I do not have go through what she did!!

As much as I have to thank my dad for making me the person I am, I have to thank my mom a million times more for helping to form that person, making me a better individual  and making me grow up as a WOMAN!!

I LOVE YOU MOMMY!!!!!

FAMILY!!!

As you all know Thankgiving just passed, and while I am thankful for so many things I have been blessed with...holidays are always a bit sad for me!!! Anybody who knows me knows that I love family.. and love to pull them together and love it when we are together!

This year my mother and I stayed home and had dinner together, very last minute (went shopping the morning of, and began to cook). It has always been difficult to spend holidays with ALL(meaning my mom and dads side) of my family because the majority of my mom's family is in England; while the majority of my dad's family lives less than two hours away.

                                                                                  

Now that my parents have split it is even harder, I NEVER want to leave my mom alone on any holiday...but I still want to see my other family sometimes. Granted my mom and I  are always invited to dad's family functions, because they all love my mom dearly it is not alwasy the most comfortable situation for her or my father if the both attend!

This Thanksgiving, my uncle offered to pick my up and take me to my Grandmothers with him, but that  would mean leaving my mom alone, and he said he was going to my Dad's house after and staying the night there.....NO, NO, NO!!!!

I already knew it would't go over well, especially since I called my dad twice on Thanksgiving and left voicemails, and I still have not heard from him!!!

 I love my dad dearly and wish that I could have gone down there to visit with family, but is way to emotional and too stressful, not to mention awkward!!!

Christmas is now coming up, and I heard my mother talking saying she is thinking of going to my grandmothers for the holiday, which means my father will be there...We Will See How That Goes????

www.fatherhood.gov

I know many of us may have seen these commercials....





As funny as the commercial maybe, it such an important message "Be a Dad TODAY!!" Now granted we know every father just becasue of their character are not going to start doing cheers with their child, but time with a child is so important like the commercial says the little we do can have the greatest impact...and the same goes for not being there or doing nothing at all!





Ok so not every father can double-dutch, but in my opininion it really does not matter what you are doing, it is really about them being their period; and the IMPACTthat has!!!!


This morning I went to the website(www.fatherhood.gov) that this PSA is for....


"The National Responsible Fatherhood Clearinghouse (NRFC) is funded by the Administration for Children and Families' Office of Family Assistance's (OFA) and supports efforts to assist States and communities to promote and support Responsible Fatherhood and Healthy Marriage.


Primarily a tool for professionals operating Responsible Fatherhood programs, the NRFC provides access to print and electronic publications, timely information on fatherhood issues, and targeted resources that support OFA-funded Responsible Fatherhood and Healthy Marriage grantees. The NRFC Web site also provides essential information for other audiences interested in fatherhood issues."


After reading that of course I wanted to read more..and I began to navigate their website there is so much information on their website....


"Urban Institute:
Recent policies encourage the development of programs designed to improve the economic status of low-income nonresident fathers and the financial and emotional support provided to their children. This brief provides ten key lessons from several important early responsible fatherhood initiatives that were developed and implemented during the 1990s and early 2000s. Formal evaluations of these earlier fatherhood efforts have been completed making this an opportune time to step back and assess what has been learned and how to build on the early programs' successes and challenges.


While the following statistics are formidable, the Responsible Fatherhood research literature generally supports the claim that a loving and nurturing father improves outcomes for children, families and communities. The following are findings from the National Fatherhood Initiative's (NFI) Father Facts:


•Children with involved, loving fathers are significantly more likely to do well in school, have healthy self-esteem, exhibit empathy and pro-social behavior, and avoid high-risk behaviors such as drug use, truancy, and criminal activity compared to children who have uninvolved fathers.


•Studies on parent-child relationships and child wellbeing show that father love is an important factor in predicting the social, emotional, and cognitive development and functioning of children and young adults.


•24 million children (34 percent) live absent their biological father.


•Nearly 20 million children (27 percent) live in single-parent homes.


•43 percent of first marriages dissolve within fifteen years; about 60 percent of divorcing couples have children; and approximately one million children each year experience the divorce of their parents.


•Fathers who live with their children are more likely to have a close, enduring relationship with their children than those who do not.


•Compared to children born within marriage, children born to cohabiting parents are three times as likely to experience father absence, and children born to unmarried, non-cohabiting parents are four times as likely to live in a father-absent home.


•About 40 percent of children in father-absent homes have not seen their father at all during the past year; 26 percent of absent fathers live in a different state than their children; and 50 percent of children living absent their father have never set foot in their father's home.


•Children who live absent their biological fathers are, on average, at least two to three times more likely to be poor, to use drugs, to experience educational, health, emotional and behavioral problems, to be victims of child abuse, and to engage in criminal behavior than their peers who live with their married, biological (or adoptive) parents.


•From 1995 to 2000, the proportion of children living in single-parent homes slightly declined, while the proportion of children living with two married parents remained stable."
 
The information goes on and on... You should definitely check it out!!!!

CONTRIDICTION!!!!

Recently I wrote a post about the lady who called me dysfunctional, well this morning we spoke again on Facebook AIM and this is the converstion....blew my mind!!!!! I was so upset I cried half the conversation, because, I could not understand how someone could be so ignorant to anothers feelings, particularly when they claim they do not wan tknow. This conversation frustrayed me to no end especially becasue out of respect I could not say everything that came to mind!!!

ME

My Thoughts

HER

You always fighting with someone doesn't that say something he common denominator is YOU!!

i am not.. but i got to stand up for me,

maybe you need to re-evaluate somethings about yourself

and as far as your blog, my issue with that is this if it helps you to heal then fine but don't put your dad or whoever on blast you have to be respectful and does your dad know about it because he may not want his business out there

i just talk about things that happen to me...and he is apart of that i cant help it...those people don’t know who my dad is

yeah, but that doesn't matter there are people that do he may not appreciate it (funny for her to say that, becasue she is always saying i need  forget what others think, and live my life for me)

no he doesn’t know..i wish he did though.. so he would kno how i feltI dont appreciate all the shit he talks about me and my mom ..but idont say nothing

well that is the other point, you have to the bigger person and more mature about the way you handle things…just because someone does something to you doesn't mean you do it back to them that is elementary tit for tat behavior

ok.. i understand that(but i am not going back at my dad)..but that is partly what blogging is all about talking about what goes on..it would kind of difficult for my follower to understand if they had no back story... all of what i wrote is from me.. so it doesnt matter….just like ppl who write books..and they talk about what has happened in there life..

it is not the same people who write books about their lives unless the person is dead they have to get permission otherwise they get sued… that is what you don't understand. it may be from you but it includes other people and it is personal stuff
Be respectful!

I am.. all i do is express my feelings

Find a solution and not be part of the problem
but like i said every decision you make can't be based on feelings

im not, how am i apart of the problem

if you base your life on feelings girl you are setting yourself up for failure. in your blog my suggestion is this yes speak about how you felt

i dont..but i really dont see what is wrong with expressing them on a blog where that is what it is about

but also speak about how you overcame, find a solution to the problem
don't just complain express how you feel and be the problem there is more to life than just feelings

I am speaking out about what happened to ME.. have u read my blog...i have put a solution up there..

but be a solution in your own life

my blog is about helping other ppl including me get through it and find an end there solution

if you don't wish to speak to your dad then fine, but don't complain about the person he is

i dont complain about the person he is.. i complain about what he has done to me, my blog even says how i love him and wish we could have a normal relationship

what is normal to you, may not be normal to him you need to recognize that
And you need to mature in that respect

but he makes it normal with other children, but why not me because of my mom

and appreciate people for who they are and what they are

i do appreciate him, he helped mold me into the person I am

you don't know nothing about his other relationships

let me ask u this have u read everything on there

don't assume, i have read a few, not everything don't have time to read everything but like i said before

ok read ALL then maybe u will understand.. and yes i do know about his other relationships with his children...

if it helps you heal then good you can't sit here and tell me you know everything and relationships takes two you don't know everything you only see one perception of it

i know they do... but why are u talking like u do.. i have talked to my dad about and my sisters.. so i do more or less everything

the same way i don't know everything with you, you don't know everything with them, how could you know steph are you there 24 hours
and like i said, relationships takes two…….

believe what you want to believe steph, because you are not open ro listen and you just listen to what you want to listen to

i am but ur piont make no sense and ur not willing to kisten to what i am saying either

i know my point doesn't make sense, because you are not at that level yet you will figure out or maybe you won't

STOP saying that u dont know what level i am on

just be respectful to yourself and others…..yes i do, try to heal and try not to wear your feelings on your sleeve

no u dont to be honest u dont even kno me

the world doesn't revolve around your feelings, i may not know you

i am respectful always (if when I dont want to be)

but i now the kind of person you are or at least what you have shown me and what you have written on your blogs…..you are not that hard to figure out! remember i am older than you, and although i may not have experienced everything you have experienced trust me i have experienced a lot

i understand but age aint nothing but a number

your mentality is right where your number is trust me, you are 19. You don't know what i have experienced either

ok and im not commenting on ur life, or how mature u are

and i know people a lot more than you do, you don't even know yourself yet your still learning and that you should be doing but don't assume that is one piece of advice i will tell you don't assume nothing, about anyone, or anything

i dont...but u r

cuz at the end of the day you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Nope i am not assuming nothing trust me (neither do YOU!!!!)

neither do you but u are talking to me like u do

i don't want to know steph that is what you don't understand, i don't know everything and i don't want to know (then why are you even talking to me)

then y keep bring in it up

all I am saying is you don't know everything you are only going by how you feel, you have said it

i know that.. i am telling my story from my point of view, but i only tell stories that have happened that i was there for

and you need to be careful that feelings especially

i have not posted anything that ppl have told me on there, everything on there i witnessed

and is from your perspective all i am saying is this, be aware don't wear your feelings on your sleeve and be respectful always, and maybe once try to look at it from another persons point of view you have told me time and time again that you are emotional, so you lied!

What ever.I have looked at from different pionts of view..u would know that if u actually read my blog...until u read it in it, ALL of it u really shouldnt say a thing

Well, one more thing to consider. your stability comes from you, and not your parents i don't want to read all of it i didn't say anything personal about your blog…all of this is directed towards you not your blog another thing about listening, i didn't bring up your blog you did

that is wat this whole convo is based upon.. i know that...which is why i dont really on them..i do me, no u did scroll up and read...u bought it up..i was talking bout grandma

i said be mindful about what you say about your dad in it yes but not about the blog itself, i don't care about he blog!!!

they r two in the same

not necessarily, i brought that up to speak about you, and the way you are maneuvering through life with your relationships

so u admit u bought it up

ok sure ,if that is me admitting it but more or less i brought up your dad, just be carefule sweety and try not to argue

what i wanna kno, is wat do u have to do with my dad why do u keep bringin it up..cuz u dont give a damn

i don't have anything to do with your dad you brough him up

u seem to have alot to say about something u know nothing about!!!!

i don't have anything to say about your dad or your relationship with your dad

no i dont i try not to have important convos with that have anything to do with my world and how i feel cuz all u do is s*** on my feelings

everyone has feelings you just take yours to another level, and that is my point

no i dont.. i not u i am not gonna lock them away and act like they dont exist

you can be upset at our dad at grandma at the whole world you don't know me to say that either, everyones feelings exist

i not mad an grandma i love her.. i just dont feel like hearing her nag all the time

but it s how you handle them….that is all i am saying steph learn to handle them a little better because like i said before

and how do u handle them...cuz its obvious u think ur way is the only rite way

the world doesn't revolve around your feelings and i didn't know i was making anyrhing obvious about how i handle my feelings, i never said anything about my feelings i said learn to handle yours! because the world doesn't revolve around your feelings, just be careful with that but you don't have to listen to anything i am saying girl you are grown remember you are mature for your age

i am not making the world revolve around them

you know everything, so like you say do you, in your opinion just do you steph

u obviously think my way is wrong so ur way must be the rite way correct

i didn't say your way is wrong, stop assuming, i said that from the begin if you want to know something then ask…don't assume, everything can be improved
i never said anything is wrong why does it have to be right or wrong this isn't about being right or wrong and i never said i was right and you are wrong

sometimes i wish u could improve the way you talk to me..so its sounds like you actually give a damn about me and who i am

that is my point, you want people to show you they give a damn about you the way you want them to

but u dont have to s**** on me either

and not take the time to learn the person and see this is who they are and the way they give a damn may be shown differently no on is shitting on you

yeah i have noticed

you are so into yourself sometimes steph and that is my point get out of yourself and your feelings sometimes and learn people not everyone is going to show you love the way you want them to

i just love myself too much.. i care about myself too much

that doesn't mean they don't love you, no. you have to find a balance, eveyrthing takes a balance maybe if you thought for once..that what iam saying to you now is because i care about you……but no steph don't get that, because ithas to be steph way get out of that! and cont’ to write…i never said stop writing…. writing is good but keep learning and improve on your way

yeah writing is good aslong as no one else can see it

that is why if you don't know something or understand, ask questions, communicate......but don't be ahead of yourself

a little later……….

are you still there

yes

no sweety i didn't say that

say what

that no one else should read it also and i am going to be really frank, don't put no comment on facebook like you have a problem with me but you don't come to me first i don't operate that way if you wish to speak to me about something that i said that bothered you pick up the phone, but you have no control of what i say I am not disrespecting you and i appreciate the same respect in return

what r u talking about.. when i said some people should keep there thoughts as just thoughts, you knew i had a problem with u and what u said i told u that

i have never been indirect with u

no, i didn't know that is why i asked again, you need to mature in that area

i shouldn't have to guess either

well i thought u knew well im telling u now..i have a problem with the way u talk to me sometimes and what u say

i am going to say things that you are not going to like, you can take it how you want to but sweet you need to grow up because that is life, and folks are not here to say things to you like you like also one more things about your dads relationship with your sister stop comparing their relationship to your you are not them and they are not you maybe that is why he can have a relationship with them

i understand that i kno ppl are going to say and do things i dont like that doesnt mean i have to act like it never happened

you need to be responsible for you(so do you and stop judging my life)

i am

you have no control over other people's actions or words. i never said that

besides everybody know my dad is a freaking prick

you have to act like it doesn't happen

i dont have to u may want me too... but i dont have to

eversorry, sorry you don't have to act like it doesn't happen not saying you should… rephrase your dad is who he is you are who you are

 i kno that and i have come accept this

all i am saying is this… heal from it if that is your goal, i am not sure what your goal is but just because your dad is a prick

i am and my blog helps me do that

doesn't mean that e should be ridiculed for it

it takes all kinds to make up this world

that then is great, but you only have control over steph

i know..that like u said i need to get over it...my blog helps me do that while also helping others

great, but at the same time you are you steph you are not your sisters you are not anyone else so don't compare just work on you and if the blog helps continue to do so

ok...forget about my sisters..in my blog i aint say s**** about them..i just talk about me and the effects my dads has had on me...my blog aint about my dad its about me and my struggle

i didn't say you talked about them in your blog you mentioned them to me that your dad treats them better so yeah forget about them

Now all what she said is a big contridiction alot of what she said...she went around in circles and gave me a headache!!!!! But you know what I want to read this everyday and use as inspiration to kept it moving!!!